It's been quite awhile since I've had a double shot post week, so why not now? Something about the holiday season, shopping rush, the solstice...my whole world just tingles with good (and restless) energy. There's a mad scramble at work to get stuff done before the office pretty much goes quiet this week and next as people take vacation over the holidays and into early January. And for those of us still plugging away over a hot desk and laptop, well, there's that funny struggle of wanting to get more done while it's quiet, but there aren't enough people around to truly get it all done or all the right decisions made...ah, the classic dilemma, at least where I'm working right now. Years ago I used to work in the retail service management industry, and this time of year for vacation was a big ol' fuhgeddaboudit given the peak shopping season. Nope - all hands on deck save for Christmas Day and New Years Day. And today I sit here and think oh crap, I've gotta head into the belly of the beast tomorrow (meaning The Mall) and finish some last minute gift shopping.
So anyway, last week I was on Facebook. Now, how often have you read that or heard someone say that and think oh no. Right? Well, as I said when I first launched fivenineteen over two years ago, my interpretations and musings on reality are better than anything I could possibly make up. You might want to go pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage for this one.
OK, back to Facebook now. Last week on some ho-hum Wednesday night I happened to be browsing around and saw a post from a woman I know from the church I used to attend years ago. Haven't seen her in probably 10+ years, which is kind of sad, but I don't attend that church any longer.
Her post: "You have two inboxes with facebook. You get notified of your messages; but you do not get notified of the messages in your "other" message box. Go to messages and click on it. After you do there is now the work "other" under your messages. (on the side bar). Click on that and see messages sent to you from people not on your friend list."
I thought OK, what the hell, I'll peruse over there and find this "other" folder. Man, I love Facebook but it's hard for me to keep up with all the changes and learn all the nuances and whatnot. By the time I'm home from work and on my home laptop, my brain is pretty much full and fried.
So there was the elusive little "other" folder, a tiny subfolder on my left menu bar. I clicked on it and up popped a very long list of what looked like notifications, spammy type stuff and one email from some random weirdo dude who really likes my profile. Uh huh, whatever. Delete!
Then, there they were. Not one but TWO messages from a guy I was great friends with years ago who I was no longer in contact with. Basically saying hi there, it's been forever, I'm about 92% sure this is you and would be great to catch up sometime. Oh. My. God. I about fell out of my chair!! And then I about fell out of my chair again when I noticed he had sent these emails to me back in freakin' JULY!! Holy moly...had I not seen that random post from my church friend I never ever would have even noticed that "other" folder in the Facebook message section!
My fingers flew on the keyboard. I wrote him back, still in shock to have found this folder...and his emails from months ago! Yes, yes, it's me, I'm alive...!!
So what's the story with this guy, you may wonder? In short, he is the closest guy friend I have ever had. We met online I'm guessing around late 2004 or early 2005ish. I had been in a relationship with another guy a good chunk of 2004 who I'd met through hockey. He broke up with me that fall and I admit it broke my heart and put me into an emotional tailspin of sorts. Hard to explain, and now with it being 7 years later the memories can get a little fuzzy and mushy both. While I'm not typically the type of girl who always has to have a boyfriend, something about that breakup triggered something within me. I immediately started online dating - on two different sites at the same time actually - and I THINK that might have been my first time ever doing that. Nowadays meeting people online is not anything weird, but back then it still might have been a little odd given it had not been around that long. Or maybe that's just my interpretation.
I started going out on a bunch of dates and kind of having casual, not too serious mini-relationships of sorts (and yes, hookups) with a couple of guys. I felt lost and hurt after getting dumped and was just looking for some reasurrance that I was really still desirable to men. In that timeframe, I met L, probably for coffee and dessert or something. We had hockey in common and I just remember him being nice and friendly with an offbeat and awesome sense of humor.
We went out on a couple dates and talked on the phone a few times (this is the olden days before texting became so commonplace) and somewhere in all of this we somehow realized we were better off as friends rather than dating. I'm giggling right now, because if he happens to read this at some point I'm sure he will let me know if my memory of all of this is correct or not.
Let's just say 2005 was a hell of a year. A lot of Life happened and it was intense. My grandfather passed away in early February, a month short of his 94th birthday. 13 days later my niece was born. My Dad retired. I was growing restless at my job - a company I had worked at for over 6 years at that time and I really loved it - but my new Director and I were butting heads quite a bit.
And in the spring of that year, I went through a very dark season in my life. There was legal drama involved in it too. I am not going to delve into that in here, but just know it was a very bad time for me and given I am an expert at beating myself up, combine that quirk with dark drama and I just felt very lost. I felt like my world was turned sideways or upside down...like my reality had just snapped, shifted and toppled over.
I felt lost but not alone, thank goodness. L was there for me through it all. An amazing friend and confidant he was for me. I confided in probably only my uber close friends circle and my family about what I was going through. L listened and helped keep me laughing when I needed to and gave me advice. He helped me with a few projects around the townhouse here and just was a great shoulder to lean on. And in the funny, small world we live in, it turns out another (female) friend of his has a beach house not far from where my family has had one for 3 generations. The 3 of us even went down there together one weekend. Can't help but laugh at the Threes Company-ish thing it was, but it was great.
Now somewhere in all of this, L and I started up a mini episode of Friends with Benefits. Ummmm...yeah. Don't judge, people. Yeah, whenever I hear about people getting into dealios like that I used to judge and think I'd NEVER do that. But definitely no regrets...and he and I later talked about it and agreed we would not cross that line any longer. And we didn't.
As my dark drama was finishing up that fall, I met another guy online and it got pretty serious pretty quickly. L and I shared our dating stories all the time, and he was genuinely happy for me when this one started taking off. And I was very open about my friendship with L with my new boyfriend. Nothing to hide.
But he would have nothing of it. He didn't want me to be around L and didn't want to meet him or anything. Nope. And I got grilled with ten billion questions about him too and the nature of our friendship. Now, side note here - as I've shared this recently with a few close friends - friends I've met since that era who never knew L or my boyfriend then - it's amazing the wide variety of opinions that come out. Some friends say well, you should have run the other way when your boyfriend got controlling and possessive like that early on. Others say yeah, I can totally see why he wouldn't want you having a close guy friend still in your life as you were focusing on a new relationship. It's all water under the bridge now. But I tell you, I'd never been in a situation like that before and I haven't since.
L gradually faded from my life. I'd made the decision to focus on my new relationship. He and I may have gotten into a couple of spats while this 'transition' was happening too. Again, fuzzy and mushy memories.
When I walked away from that boyfriend in spring of 2007, I kept moving forward and never reached out to L. I had great memories of our friendship and time together but never made any effort to try to track him down. Sometimes people are in our lives for a short while to make a difference, help us and then move on, and I chalked him up to being one of those.
And...life moved onward.
So. 2 days after I discovered those emails in my Facebook inbox last week I was on my way into Ballard to meet L for dinner. My God, had it really been six years? It was like no time had passed. I cannot tell you how great it was to just see an old friend and pick up right where we'd left off. Definitely no hard feelings or regrets. Just hours of talking and catching up. And a brief interlude between restaurants to walk his friend's dog - the one with the beach house near my folks'. Even seeing that dog again brought another wave of great memories whooshing back. Wow.
What a wonderful end of year surprise! Oh, and he and I are Facebook friends now, of course. He says, "hey, let's try staying friends this time, OK?"
I think that's a GREAT idea.
OK, last week's mental vacay was exactly what I needed. Time to re-focus on this mini 4-week blogging project...where are we now? Oh yeah, Week #3. Andddd, only a couple weeks behind given Tangent Time and my vacay. This is part of what I love about blogging - no worries on things being behind because it's just my words and the small handful of you who even read this or stumble in here accidentally. Welcome...and welcome back, by the way!
So, cyber throat clearing, we're on the 3rd of the Four Agreements book by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Don't Make Assumptions. Ruiz opens this chapter with a great summary: "Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
So simple, and yet so profound. That's what I've really enjoyed about this book...it's easy to read but mind blowing too. Definitely one to keep on the nightstand, for I always discover new gems when I read chapters I've already read before.
All the sadness and drama in our lives stems from us making assumptions and taking things personally. (Don't take things personally is the Second Agreement, by the way. That was a great one to ramble on about a few weeks back in here.) See how these Agreements tend to build one upon the other? Pretty cool.
The poison that is called gossip - this is how we communicate in the dream of Hell, as Ruiz explains. Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and we believe we are right about our assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong.
How often have we all made an assumption about something or someone, only to have been totally wrong later? Our bubble bursts and we get mad, sad and the drama starts. But let's back up a minute...why do we even make assumptions in the first place?
Ruiz explains: "It is very interesting how the human mind works. We have the need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself will make us feel safe."
So if someone doesn't tell us something (and we don't ask) we make assumptions and believe our own assumptions. We also make assumptions about things we hear but don't understand. What a big, ticking time bomb this can be in relationships!! Damn, haven't we all been guilty of assuming our partner knows want we want, whatever it is? "You should have known." Lovely way to start an argument. We blame our partner but in reality we have no one to blame but ourselves. We didn't ask!
We don't always ask partly because we assume that people see the world the same way we do...think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge and even abuse the way we abuse. Ruiz says this is the biggest assumptions we humans make about one another.
Anyone else out there guilty of getting into a romantic relationship with someone, thinking your love will change them, change the things you don't like about that person (and even deny there are maybe huge things out there that you don't like about him/her?). Raises hand...yep I sure have. The truth is my love will not change anyone. Neither will your love either, by the way. Ruiz even quips that "real love is accepting other people the way we are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them." I'm not sure I am 100% on board with that last sentence...need more thinking time here I guess. Sure if there are huge things we don't like then we have to wonder why we're even involved in a relationship with that person. But if it's something silly like I don't like the way he squeezes the tube of toothpaste? Annoying maybe, but not a deal breaker. Honey, can't you squeeze the tube from the bottom, not the middle? You won't? OK, I'm outta here. Ridiculous, right? I'm pretty sure that's not what Ruiz meant...it's just my mind conjuring up a funny scenario like that.
Ask questions! This is Ruiz's wise advice to us all. Once we hear the answer we will not have to make assumptions because we will know the truth.
But we need the courage to ask for what we want. Sure, it one's right to tell us yes or no, but that's also true for what others ask of us. The Right to Ask is everyone's Right. I've chickened out of asking sometimes throughout my life, I admit, and a lot of times when I'm dating someone. Why? Was I afraid of what the answer might be (as in NO)? Was I afraid of being rejected, and even at risk of 'losing' that person out of my life? Didn't want to rock the boat? Wasn't sure how to articulate what I wanted and didn't want to risk being seen as stupid, needy, high maintenace, whatever? Yep, probably. Aha, I assumed how the person would react and therefore did nothing and probably got resentful later. BINGO.
So once again, Ruiz nails it with another great chapter in his book. I'm going to continue working on this - it's a lifelong process for sure - and find the inner courage to ask, ask, ask!
I admit it, I got distracted and didn't have my "homework" ready for today. Yeah, I could have crammed and tried to read and ponder the 3rd chapter of The Four Agreements, but you know what? It's not worth it. This is deep stuff that needs to be read with passion and concentration, not some lame attempt at speed reading just to feel "ready" for today's post.
So what happened? Well, I had lunch with T, one of my dearest friends. We met at Wildfin in Issaquah...she'd heard great things about it and I am always up for trying a new place to eat. I ended up having a small burger and went easy on the fries. I don't eat meat everyday but I guess I was craving red meat way deep down. After a few nights in a row of yummy pasta tossed with a little pesto it was time.
T has been attending these seminars about...understanding men. Really?? And she just raves about them - she says it's totally changed her outlook and viewpoint on dating and relationships, and has strengthened even her friendships with women too. Sounds pretty profound, eh? Wow, what's going on here? How can you learn stuff like this in a class? Led by mostly women?
She smiled and pulled a small paperback book out of her fabulous Hermes Bolide handbag. Called Making Sense of Men, by Alison Armstrong. She couldn't wait to loan it to me! Now, I admit, I'm a "black hole" book borrower (that's a self-coined term by the way). It's not intentional, but I am not a voracious book reader, and books loaned to me, well, tend to get absorbed into a bookcase here forever and ever, never to be returned again and possibly not ever read at all. I promised T I'd do my very best to not do that in this case. And she's pretty tenacious, so I'm sure if I don't return it promptly she'll have no qualms asking for it back - as she should!
Now. If you knew you were going to focus on reading the Third of the Four Agreements, but then had to choose between that and a book suddenly plopped in front of you called Making Sense of Men, what would you do? Read them both perhaps? Well, this is me we're talking about here, and given I don't do a lot of book reading, I caved and chose the Men book to focus on. Can't blame me...plus it would be less likely to end up on a "black hole" bookshelf here in the townhouse.
I didn't know how quick a read this was! I pretty much read it in one evening, and have re-read it a couple of times! Can this topic be summed up in a 70-page book? Well, of course not...we're human and complex creatures. And yeah, I've read John Gray's Mars & Venus books, the 1990s classic The Rules and a few others about dating and relationships too. All endlessly fascinating really...and anything I can learn about these creatures called men who I adore and who also sometimes drive me batshit crazy, well then all the better.
It's fascinating how entirely different we are wired. Amstrong proclaims that 99% of the confusion and frustration between men and women is because we - mistakenly - assume we are versions of eachother. "Men are not hairy women," she goes on to say! Ha ha ha that made me giggle.
She goes on to break down the two types of attraction men have towards women. The first - Sexual Attraction. Obvious, right? OK, I won't give away Armstrong's list of what goes into that - check out the book for yourself. And what does her list of sexual attractions trigger in men? They want to have sex. Period. Doesn't mean they want to date us or have a relationship with us or fall in love with us. Nope. I even remember some John Gray books talking about the same thing a little differently. If a man is physically attracted to a woman, it's just that and nothing else. This confuses us as women, because our first 'degree' of attraction in a man is if he's mentally stimulating to us (whereas in men the first 'degree' is physical). With mental attraction in a man, maybe it's his humor or intelligence that stirs us. By the time we as women are feeling physically attracted we've already gone through two other 'layers' or 'degrees' of attraction if that makes sense. So ladies, if a man is physically attracted to you, enjoy it and don't take it too seriously.
What's the other type of attraction a man has for a woman (but not ALL women per se)? Charmed and Enchanted. Aha! Who wouldn't want to be with a man who is compelled to spend time with you, take care of you, protect you, contribute to you...and make you happy? Without you needing to do anything but just be fabulous YOU? Damn, sign me up. Makes me even swoon here a little just sitting in my office chair, relishing those moments men have done those things for me. Without any need to make any effort and certainly not nag. THAT'S bliss right there.
Armstrong goes on to explain in what she calls "Men-glish" (love that) - what men say and what it means in female-speak. Things they say to us or offer to do for us when they're Charmed and Enchanted. Believe me, I'm not affiliated with the author of this book or the publishing company or anything, but if you're intrigued by my ramblings here, go pick up the book for yourself! One big key? We as women need to be receptive to these wonderful things men want to do for us! Anyone here ever have a man offer you his jacket because it was cold? And responded by a, "...but won't you be cold?" in return? No, no no!! You are not his mother...accept his generosity and snuggle in his jacket for pete's sake! Hell, I never turn down even the grocery store bag boy's offer to carry my bags to my car. Just enjoy it and smile with a warm thank you. Sure it's his job, but you've probably helped make his day too.
And there is serious "juice" required of us to be the best we can be as women. Things like being self-confident and authentic. And if a great outfit and killer pair of shoes helps you get there, go for it. Nope, we can't be self-confident fueled on emptiness like sugar and caffeine. Rest, good nutrition, exercise...THAT'S what does it. Don't forget passion...whether it's for our kids, cross-stitching, volunteer work or salsa dancing, as Armstrong explains. And RECEPTIVITY to men's offerings...the doozy! YES! If that guy asks you out for dinner and you're even the slightest bit interested, go! All you have to do is show up, look your hot self and just enjoy a great evening out. Nothing more, nothing less. Receive it graciously, ladies.
I could go on and on, but I'm just intrigued with these simple yet profound insights from Armstrong in her book. Don Miguel Ruiz, I promise your 3rd chapter is my focus this week!
The Third Agreement: Don't Assume Anything.
Last week I wrote about the wave that washed over me, forcing me to sit in my chair here and finish updating my resume. I've learned to not question these super duper strong instincts when they hit - they mean it, dammit! It meant canceling on my hockey game rather last minute, and I don't like doing that at ALL, but the wave won out.
Good thing too: the resume got updated that night. And distributed.
And just a day or two later, guess what happened? Not one but THREE great job leads appeared from the consulting firm who found my current job. What a difference a year and a half makes! The job market is improving, and my phone and email are rumbling even harder back to life. I'm realizing how much more mentally prepared I will be going into my next job assignment, as it shouldn't be nearly as long between gigs as last time around...I hope. Last year I went from mental 0 to 100 literally overnight - an abrupt shock back after feeling like my brain was turning to mush with nothing going on for months and months. Now, while I feel a bit weary and ready for this current engagement to finish up, I feel more 'on'. That's hard to put into words, but it's how it came out.
My friend D's husband also forwarded my resume to a few of his connections, and I'll be meeting up with a Director at a consulting firm later this week for lunch. We had a great chat late on Friday afternoon! I'd prefer to have the firm who I'm currently affiliated with get me reassigned, but I've gotta look out for Numero Uno here. And who knows - new connections made now could sprout even further down the road for me or for another colleague.
In the meantime, I've got a job to do through the end of the month, and, well, I'm only human and it would be incredibly easy to flip the mental switch and stop caring. Sure I take pride in my work and will do whatever it takes for a strong finish. But for some stuff, frankly, I'll need to fake it. Before I knew I would be wrapping up this month, I got assigned some brand new stuff to do - and the milestones were plotted all the way into January. Why would I get assigned something new if I was going to be cut loose just a few weeks later? Anyway, the reasons don't matter, and I'm just chalking it up to even more opportunity to gain more experience in a very short timeframe. Plus, it's a small world out there and I might end up back with this team or something similar down the road.
How you finish is just as important as how you start. Don't burn bridges. Go for the Graceful Exit.
I had lunch with S, a friend I've known for years who I met through hockey. She and I really bonded a couple of years ago when I was first getting used to being unemployed. She has her own business as an aside from her full-time work, and I came with her to several events as a guest to learn more about it. It was great to get out of the house, meet new people and clean up/dress up on those days I had no interviews when the temptation was to just be a slob and mope. And I am dumbfounded that all started two years ago.
It was wonderful to reconnect over lunch again - how had it been a year or so since we last met up?
So, I'm just keeping busy and connected while preparing for whatever the next plunge might be. I'm excited, relieved, nervous, curious...the list goes on. Notice that 'angry' is not in that list of feelings. 'Cause I'm not in the slightest. This gig was designed to be purely consultative, not permanent. And while I don't like to call out specific details in here when it comes to jobs and companies, let me just say I'm perfectly happy with that arrangement. Great experience, but not anywhere to hang my hat right now.
T and I met up for dinner at Palomino last night...she is such an amazing friend. We've each gone through some bumps this year - my very brief relationship, and she and her boyfriend split up a couple of months ago...he had been living with her and so it was a rough ride with all of that and him moving out. We're both happy and strong women and always land on our feet, but we also appreciate the friendships and support out there too. So much to be grateful for.
We split a wonderful bottle of wine (the name escapes me now but trust me, a mighty fine white something), while T chose the Seafood Louie - a beautiful salad - and I the fusilli picatta, a delicious combo of marinated chicken, shallots, capers and a few chili flakes for kick in a white wine sauce.
And when you're steps away from fabulous shopping at Bellevue Square, of COURSE you gotta hop over there too. T picked out a gorgeous pair of black Tod's loafers, and I, knowing I am soon to be on a budget again, merely drooled over shoes.
T and I are brainstorming ideas for a meetup group we're planning to launch later this summer. We're super excited!
And I think "excited" is the right way to describe things for me right now. One door is slowly closing, and something new, unknown, magical is going to pop and set me on an entirely new journey this summer and beyond.
Let's just hope it's sooner than later!
As I fire up the keyboard here I'm realizing this post will likely be in two parts - some rambling on how I'm doing and then more about the post title. But hey, it's my blog and my rocks rolling around in my head so there we are.
My physical and emotional health both took a nosedive this month. But I think I can say that my cough is pretty much gone. Just some hacking in the morning and a little in the evening when I'm tired. After 3 weeks of this, you bet I'm sick of being sick!
Emotionally...well...overall I'm feeling good and putting the whole breakup thing behind me. Every day it's farther in the rear view mirror and more of a capsule of really great memories rather than anything to feel sad about.
Are he and I in contact, you may wonder? No, and we won't be. When he called that night to break up I was in shock. But somewhere at the end of our conversation I think we'd agreed to speak again in a few days. I was going to call him, yep, we agreed to that. But since then I got removed off Facebook...un-friended. Wow, the quirky world of Facebook. Whatever...OK. And couple of my friends called his breaking up over the phone cowardly. Perhaps...but it doesn't matter in the end. It's still over and wasn't my choice. I don't feel a need to label it. So no, I didn't call him.
Does he read this blog? He sure did at first. And loved it. Even shared it with some good friends of his on his trip to Australia last month. Perhaps it was my first post-breakup post that he didn't like so much. I'd bet money he's read it. If he has great; if not, great. It's my words and my feelings and isn't intended for anyone in particular. There are a fair amount who tune in here regularly (thank you!) and a few who stumble in here on accident (another thank you!).
If you haven't seen that first post-breakup post yet, it's a couple weeks back, "Misled and Broken." And it's not a bashfest on him. I don't operate that way...and as angry as I am (OK, was as we're moving past this) about having my head and heart fucked with, I can't be angry at HIM. Does that make any sense? That's a hard one to articulate.
There are a few last dangly things I want to share in here about how I'm feeling post-breakup. I did feel a little down yesterday as the 26th was supposed to be a special night for he and I. First, the plan was to go to a fundraiser/auction of some sort. I remember when he sent the email with the scoop...I thought WOW. He's already thinking ahead and wants me to do more stuff aways out! What can I say - that may not be a big deal for some, but that's HUGE for me. Makes me feel really happy, included and wanted. Loved.
But the plans for that night later changed into going out with a large group to celebrate his birthday - something he does every year. Sounds even better! In fact, if I remember correctly, he told me about this change of plans just a few days before we split. Now, how can you already be thinking about pulling away from someone but tell them hey, instead of going to the auction we're going out with a bunch of people for my (his) birthday? I don't get it. Maybe his decision to break up was a super spontaneous one. Or maybe the chat we had at my place the week prior was my warning shot over the bow. It doesn't matter now. I just felt a little wistful last night knowing we'd had plans to be out celebrating. Plans that he moved forward with and that no longer included me. And with these words I close the door and move on.
A couple weeks ago I was changing the sheets on my bed and stubbed my toe on something just under the dust cover. Oh yeah...some, um, props for the boudoir. Specifically, hand restraints. Am I blushing as I type this? What can I tell you - don't knock it till you try it, people. Tangent warning: I have never had any issues or hangups with sex. And with very, very few exceptions, I've never had what anyone would call 'bad' sex. Meaning, chemistry's usually not an issue. But props/accessories...well, I've never really ever felt they were necessary nor have any of the men in my life ever suggested using them - till now.
And now they were sitting in a heap under my bed. What to do?
I then realized I still had a book he'd loaned me: The Primal Blueprint, by Mark Sisson. It promotes the primal (or paleo) way of eating - meaning, to eat like our ancestors did in the hunter/gatherer years, the way our bodies are genetically programmed! Lots of lean meats, vegetables and fruits. Hold off on the grains, dairy and processed foods. G raved about this book and I'd browsed through it on a couple occasions in his kitchen when he was cooking us dinner. It really is a fascinating book. There are 9809824 diet and nutrition books and theories out there. What really works? I don't read a lot of diet books, but this one literally jumped out at me...the same way the Carbohydrate Addicts book did about 15 years ago. I liked it so much I recently purchased the accompanying cookbook. Yum.
And as I was rearranging things in my pantry I found a small, round tupperware container of flour. The first time I cooked for us I made my signature corn chowder with potatoes, fennel and bacon - using the bacon he'd made himself. I needed just a tablespoon of flour for the roux and was totally out. And I was in that mode where I'd done all the chopping and prep work and was not in a position to run to the store to get flour. When you need flour, you really can't substitute anything else! So, G to the rescue bringing some by at the last minute!
So we've got flour, a book, and bedroom hand restraints. I've had a few episodes after breakups where we each needed to return stuff we had at eachother's houses - clothes, makeup, shoes or other things. Never those 3 things, much less all at once! Random!! And normally it's done in person, meeting up. This time it just didn't feel right to do it that way.
So I thought hmm, what to do with these 3 things? I ended up putting them in a brown grocery bag and drove up to his place late one night and put it in the back entry area near his car. Some of my friends said I was too nice to do this - should have just tossed everything in the trash. But that's not how I roll. Again, I can't label behavior like that as "too nice" or whatever the hell it is. It was something I needed to do and it felt good. And there was nothing of any significance of mine that was still at his place. Just a toothbrush. And now closing another door with these words.
Those 3 random things DO have significance...they point to 3 areas that are so important to me in relationships, and things he and I had no issues with period. Cooking, food and sex...basic needs we all have as humans.
So now, I think about Passion. Passion for cooking a great meal, sharing it with friends, and then passion later that night (and morning) with your special someone. Doesn't get much better than that. When I look back on my short time with G, I am inspired (re-inspired) to cook and cherish my love of food. I was reminded that you don't need a huge, gourmet kitchen to cook incredible meals for your family and friends. G's post-divorce apartment has a great floor plan. The kitchen is, well, your basic apartment kitchen - perhaps a "2 butt" size - enough for two people to cook together, and very basic appliances. But the cooking that came out of that kitchen - for just the two of us or a group of 12 - phenomenal.
And, transitioning topics here and onto what was more the point of this post (see, I DO always come back after longass tangents), "passion by participation" popped into my head one day. I think it was a crappy and stressed day at work that did it. We're on the brink of a large launch in the next few weeks, and our team's pretty beat down and stressed. No matter how hard we plan, we discover stuff that still needs to be done last minute. And we panic, freak out...but get it done. But we need to do a better job of collaborating under stress. Rather, we scurry into our silos and shut eachother out. Given my job is to provide planning and scheduling among other things, our actual way of executing on tasks flies in the face of my basic principles. But, our group and what we're working on is new, so the opportunities are incredible and boundless. There's a lot of "we don't know what we don't know." Myself included. And to survive in this group, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
I am a pretty good multi-tasker, but when I get stressed and overwhelmed I spin out and clue out. I even had an astrologer once tell me, during a natal chart reading, that I'm prone to "clue-ing out" more than others. Darn you, Neptune! [Just kidding - I can't remember which planetary alignment is to blame, ha ha]. Combine that with a therapist about a decade ago who introduced me to the word "negating." Brushing things off, nullyfying...oh dear this could be a whole 'nother post down the road. Lots of issues there. I'm fighting back - HARD.
I DO get my clue-ing out-ness quirk and how it gets worse when I'm under stress. Throw in a little PMS (typically I have one bad day a month) and I'm pretty much an inarticulate, blubbery mess for 24 hours.
What do I do about it? How do I stretch myself to improve? I decided I'm going to try very, very hard, no matter what I'm doing, to focus only on that one particular thing and not let other buzz distract me. When my world at work is a sea of emailing flying around, interruptions and back to back meetings, that's pretty damn hard to do! But can I do it better? And if so, will that improve the quality of my work? Or perhaps my relationships? How about my Silpada jewelry business? Or my hockey?
Passion starts with participation. Showing up! Being present mentally and physically! Ignoring other noise and distractions! YES! THIS is what I'm going to focus on for the next week, month, year...however long it takes till it becomes a habit.
I've got a lot of work to do. And I'm ready.
