It's been quite awhile since I've had a double shot post week, so why not now? Something about the holiday season, shopping rush, the solstice...my whole world just tingles with good (and restless) energy. There's a mad scramble at work to get stuff done before the office pretty much goes quiet this week and next as people take vacation over the holidays and into early January. And for those of us still plugging away over a hot desk and laptop, well, there's that funny struggle of wanting to get more done while it's quiet, but there aren't enough people around to truly get it all done or all the right decisions made...ah, the classic dilemma, at least where I'm working right now. Years ago I used to work in the retail service management industry, and this time of year for vacation was a big ol' fuhgeddaboudit given the peak shopping season. Nope - all hands on deck save for Christmas Day and New Years Day. And today I sit here and think oh crap, I've gotta head into the belly of the beast tomorrow (meaning The Mall) and finish some last minute gift shopping.
So anyway, last week I was on Facebook. Now, how often have you read that or heard someone say that and think oh no. Right? Well, as I said when I first launched fivenineteen over two years ago, my interpretations and musings on reality are better than anything I could possibly make up. You might want to go pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage for this one.
OK, back to Facebook now. Last week on some ho-hum Wednesday night I happened to be browsing around and saw a post from a woman I know from the church I used to attend years ago. Haven't seen her in probably 10+ years, which is kind of sad, but I don't attend that church any longer.
Her post: "You have two inboxes with facebook. You get notified of your messages; but you do not get notified of the messages in your "other" message box. Go to messages and click on it. After you do there is now the work "other" under your messages. (on the side bar). Click on that and see messages sent to you from people not on your friend list."
I thought OK, what the hell, I'll peruse over there and find this "other" folder. Man, I love Facebook but it's hard for me to keep up with all the changes and learn all the nuances and whatnot. By the time I'm home from work and on my home laptop, my brain is pretty much full and fried.
So there was the elusive little "other" folder, a tiny subfolder on my left menu bar. I clicked on it and up popped a very long list of what looked like notifications, spammy type stuff and one email from some random weirdo dude who really likes my profile. Uh huh, whatever. Delete!
Then, there they were. Not one but TWO messages from a guy I was great friends with years ago who I was no longer in contact with. Basically saying hi there, it's been forever, I'm about 92% sure this is you and would be great to catch up sometime. Oh. My. God. I about fell out of my chair!! And then I about fell out of my chair again when I noticed he had sent these emails to me back in freakin' JULY!! Holy moly...had I not seen that random post from my church friend I never ever would have even noticed that "other" folder in the Facebook message section!
My fingers flew on the keyboard. I wrote him back, still in shock to have found this folder...and his emails from months ago! Yes, yes, it's me, I'm alive...!!
So what's the story with this guy, you may wonder? In short, he is the closest guy friend I have ever had. We met online I'm guessing around late 2004 or early 2005ish. I had been in a relationship with another guy a good chunk of 2004 who I'd met through hockey. He broke up with me that fall and I admit it broke my heart and put me into an emotional tailspin of sorts. Hard to explain, and now with it being 7 years later the memories can get a little fuzzy and mushy both. While I'm not typically the type of girl who always has to have a boyfriend, something about that breakup triggered something within me. I immediately started online dating - on two different sites at the same time actually - and I THINK that might have been my first time ever doing that. Nowadays meeting people online is not anything weird, but back then it still might have been a little odd given it had not been around that long. Or maybe that's just my interpretation.
I started going out on a bunch of dates and kind of having casual, not too serious mini-relationships of sorts (and yes, hookups) with a couple of guys. I felt lost and hurt after getting dumped and was just looking for some reasurrance that I was really still desirable to men. In that timeframe, I met L, probably for coffee and dessert or something. We had hockey in common and I just remember him being nice and friendly with an offbeat and awesome sense of humor.
We went out on a couple dates and talked on the phone a few times (this is the olden days before texting became so commonplace) and somewhere in all of this we somehow realized we were better off as friends rather than dating. I'm giggling right now, because if he happens to read this at some point I'm sure he will let me know if my memory of all of this is correct or not.
Let's just say 2005 was a hell of a year. A lot of Life happened and it was intense. My grandfather passed away in early February, a month short of his 94th birthday. 13 days later my niece was born. My Dad retired. I was growing restless at my job - a company I had worked at for over 6 years at that time and I really loved it - but my new Director and I were butting heads quite a bit.
And in the spring of that year, I went through a very dark season in my life. There was legal drama involved in it too. I am not going to delve into that in here, but just know it was a very bad time for me and given I am an expert at beating myself up, combine that quirk with dark drama and I just felt very lost. I felt like my world was turned sideways or upside down...like my reality had just snapped, shifted and toppled over.
I felt lost but not alone, thank goodness. L was there for me through it all. An amazing friend and confidant he was for me. I confided in probably only my uber close friends circle and my family about what I was going through. L listened and helped keep me laughing when I needed to and gave me advice. He helped me with a few projects around the townhouse here and just was a great shoulder to lean on. And in the funny, small world we live in, it turns out another (female) friend of his has a beach house not far from where my family has had one for 3 generations. The 3 of us even went down there together one weekend. Can't help but laugh at the Threes Company-ish thing it was, but it was great.
Now somewhere in all of this, L and I started up a mini episode of Friends with Benefits. Ummmm...yeah. Don't judge, people. Yeah, whenever I hear about people getting into dealios like that I used to judge and think I'd NEVER do that. But definitely no regrets...and he and I later talked about it and agreed we would not cross that line any longer. And we didn't.
As my dark drama was finishing up that fall, I met another guy online and it got pretty serious pretty quickly. L and I shared our dating stories all the time, and he was genuinely happy for me when this one started taking off. And I was very open about my friendship with L with my new boyfriend. Nothing to hide.
But he would have nothing of it. He didn't want me to be around L and didn't want to meet him or anything. Nope. And I got grilled with ten billion questions about him too and the nature of our friendship. Now, side note here - as I've shared this recently with a few close friends - friends I've met since that era who never knew L or my boyfriend then - it's amazing the wide variety of opinions that come out. Some friends say well, you should have run the other way when your boyfriend got controlling and possessive like that early on. Others say yeah, I can totally see why he wouldn't want you having a close guy friend still in your life as you were focusing on a new relationship. It's all water under the bridge now. But I tell you, I'd never been in a situation like that before and I haven't since.
L gradually faded from my life. I'd made the decision to focus on my new relationship. He and I may have gotten into a couple of spats while this 'transition' was happening too. Again, fuzzy and mushy memories.
When I walked away from that boyfriend in spring of 2007, I kept moving forward and never reached out to L. I had great memories of our friendship and time together but never made any effort to try to track him down. Sometimes people are in our lives for a short while to make a difference, help us and then move on, and I chalked him up to being one of those.
And...life moved onward.
So. 2 days after I discovered those emails in my Facebook inbox last week I was on my way into Ballard to meet L for dinner. My God, had it really been six years? It was like no time had passed. I cannot tell you how great it was to just see an old friend and pick up right where we'd left off. Definitely no hard feelings or regrets. Just hours of talking and catching up. And a brief interlude between restaurants to walk his friend's dog - the one with the beach house near my folks'. Even seeing that dog again brought another wave of great memories whooshing back. Wow.
What a wonderful end of year surprise! Oh, and he and I are Facebook friends now, of course. He says, "hey, let's try staying friends this time, OK?"
I think that's a GREAT idea.
OK, last week's mental vacay was exactly what I needed. Time to re-focus on this mini 4-week blogging project...where are we now? Oh yeah, Week #3. Andddd, only a couple weeks behind given Tangent Time and my vacay. This is part of what I love about blogging - no worries on things being behind because it's just my words and the small handful of you who even read this or stumble in here accidentally. Welcome...and welcome back, by the way!
So, cyber throat clearing, we're on the 3rd of the Four Agreements book by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Don't Make Assumptions. Ruiz opens this chapter with a great summary: "Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
So simple, and yet so profound. That's what I've really enjoyed about this book...it's easy to read but mind blowing too. Definitely one to keep on the nightstand, for I always discover new gems when I read chapters I've already read before.
All the sadness and drama in our lives stems from us making assumptions and taking things personally. (Don't take things personally is the Second Agreement, by the way. That was a great one to ramble on about a few weeks back in here.) See how these Agreements tend to build one upon the other? Pretty cool.
The poison that is called gossip - this is how we communicate in the dream of Hell, as Ruiz explains. Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and we believe we are right about our assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong.
How often have we all made an assumption about something or someone, only to have been totally wrong later? Our bubble bursts and we get mad, sad and the drama starts. But let's back up a minute...why do we even make assumptions in the first place?
Ruiz explains: "It is very interesting how the human mind works. We have the need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself will make us feel safe."
So if someone doesn't tell us something (and we don't ask) we make assumptions and believe our own assumptions. We also make assumptions about things we hear but don't understand. What a big, ticking time bomb this can be in relationships!! Damn, haven't we all been guilty of assuming our partner knows want we want, whatever it is? "You should have known." Lovely way to start an argument. We blame our partner but in reality we have no one to blame but ourselves. We didn't ask!
We don't always ask partly because we assume that people see the world the same way we do...think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge and even abuse the way we abuse. Ruiz says this is the biggest assumptions we humans make about one another.
Anyone else out there guilty of getting into a romantic relationship with someone, thinking your love will change them, change the things you don't like about that person (and even deny there are maybe huge things out there that you don't like about him/her?). Raises hand...yep I sure have. The truth is my love will not change anyone. Neither will your love either, by the way. Ruiz even quips that "real love is accepting other people the way we are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them." I'm not sure I am 100% on board with that last sentence...need more thinking time here I guess. Sure if there are huge things we don't like then we have to wonder why we're even involved in a relationship with that person. But if it's something silly like I don't like the way he squeezes the tube of toothpaste? Annoying maybe, but not a deal breaker. Honey, can't you squeeze the tube from the bottom, not the middle? You won't? OK, I'm outta here. Ridiculous, right? I'm pretty sure that's not what Ruiz meant...it's just my mind conjuring up a funny scenario like that.
Ask questions! This is Ruiz's wise advice to us all. Once we hear the answer we will not have to make assumptions because we will know the truth.
But we need the courage to ask for what we want. Sure, it one's right to tell us yes or no, but that's also true for what others ask of us. The Right to Ask is everyone's Right. I've chickened out of asking sometimes throughout my life, I admit, and a lot of times when I'm dating someone. Why? Was I afraid of what the answer might be (as in NO)? Was I afraid of being rejected, and even at risk of 'losing' that person out of my life? Didn't want to rock the boat? Wasn't sure how to articulate what I wanted and didn't want to risk being seen as stupid, needy, high maintenace, whatever? Yep, probably. Aha, I assumed how the person would react and therefore did nothing and probably got resentful later. BINGO.
So once again, Ruiz nails it with another great chapter in his book. I'm going to continue working on this - it's a lifelong process for sure - and find the inner courage to ask, ask, ask!
OK, we're off and running here! Last week I committed to blogging over the next four weeks about an amazing book I'm slowly savoring and reflecting upon.
It's called The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz. And if you have sharp eyes you'll notice the picture of the book is from the nice people at Amazon.com (thanks, everyone!) This book was written about 15 years ago, but the wisdom it contains goes back thousands of years. The knowledge comes from the Toltec people, stemming back to southern Mexico. It's not a religion, but it does honor all spiritual masters who have taught on Earth.
Ruiz explains that dreaming is the main function of our minds, and our minds dream 24/7. The difference is when we are awake "...there is a material frame that makes us perceive things in a linear way. When we go to sleep we do not have the frame, and the dream has the tendency to change constantly."
Wow, that's profound! I never thought we're actually dreaming while awake too (except for day dreaming). No wonder our dreams when asleep can be so wacky and random, only making sense in their moment. Once we're awake - poof - they're mostly gone.
Simple and profound - this is the exquisite content within this book. I find it both very challenging and relaxing to read and contemplate, and much of it I will need to read several times through - joyously - to truly attempt to understand. Don't get me wrong - the language is easy to read and the tone is like firm love.
He calls what society teaches us "human domestication." We didn't choose to speak our native tongue when we were growing up, we didn't choose our religion - we didn't even choose our own name! What happens during this process is we "...form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody...like Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don't fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never! Not being perfect, we reject ourselves. And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity."
He talks about abuse...how much we judge and abuse ourselves for our mistakes. In relationships, if we are with someone who abuses us more than we abuse ourselves we will likely walk away from that person. But if we are with someone who abuses us just a bit less than we abuse ourselves, we will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.
So here is the first agreement and my (gloriously imperfect) ramblings about it:
Be Impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Through our word we express our creative power...through it we manifest everything. Our word is a double-edged sword...we can create beauty with it or destroy everything around us.
What does impeccable mean here? It means we take responsibility for our actions but we do not judge or blame ourselves.
Wow. That's huge. *Raises hand*...I am likely the queen of self-blame and self-criticism. Only in the past, most recent decade of my life, thanks to an amazing therapist, was this pointed out to me...reflected back in my face like a giant mirror, on how badly I beat myself up over everything I do that falls short of perfection. Rather, we are human and gloriously flawed. Breathe, breathe....strive for EXCELLENCE, not perfection. This is the relatively new internal message I've worked so hard to incorporate into my core being, swimming upstream against decades more of habit and DNA. Oy. It's a journey, not a quick fix.
Ruiz goes on to discuss gossip and how mainstream it is for us as a communication vehicle - and how poisonous it is, like a computer virus within our minds. How many times have we gossiped about the person we love the most to gain support from others for our point of view? Reality check: your opinion is your point of view. Doesn't mean it's true...rather it comes from your own belief, your own ego, your own dream.
How fertile are our minds for negative ideas and "spells" people put upon us? If we are impeccable with our word our minds become only fertile for words that come from love. And how we feel about ourselves - how much we love ourselves - is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of our word.
So this is the first of four new 'seeds' planted in my (fertile) mind. How impeccable am I with my word right now? How often do I tell myself how wonderful and great I am? Do I speak (and write) the truth in everything I do? I've been called "honest to a fault" by some, and I actually take that as a huge compliment. How many white lies do we tell every day? To others? To ourselves? Yeah, I love gossip as much as the next person, but I wouldn't label myself as gossip-y. My goal this past week and going forward is to always say what I mean and mean what I say, both speaking and in writing. And to not beat myself up if I am not perfect.
I feel happy and alive on this journey...waves of goodness wash all around me and inside me too. Is this some sort of cleansing? I'm not questioning it one bit; just loving every second of this new "work."
Next week's Second Agreement post: Don't take things personally. This one's gonna be a doozy in so many ways.
Fall is here! Even on a rare sunny day like yesterday it felt different. It's crispy outside (or soggy if it's raining). It's getting darker a little earlier than it used to and the shadows are long even midday. I met up with a good friend on the top of the hill here yesterday very spontaneously for a 90 minute brisk walk. Leaves are starting to turn, and the tall sunflowers in that corner yard we always pass by are now top heavy and tired from their own weight.
So while I always mourn summer as she melts away into fall, I DO love this time of year for the clothes and food. Time to bust out the sweaters, boots, leather jackets...oh yeah. And cooking! Soups! Stews!
Last year I purchased a slow cooker for the first time. I remember our Crock Pot as a kid - my Mom made wonderful chicken dishes all the time - and they seem to be coming around in style again. Kinda like fondue. Anyway, mine was free actually. Remember the Refrigerator Drama from last year? I got a $100 Sears gift card, one of the few bright spots in that whole episode. So I used it toward a slow cooker. Very nice, stainless steel, 3 1/2 quart size. And my folks gave me a Williams-Sonoma slow cooker recipe book for Christmas. Love it!
And it was time to bust a move with it again. Last weekend I had 3 lbs of ground beef in my fridge, just a couple days away from use it or freeze it. I really wanted to make a Bolognese sauce - the cookbook recipe is wonderful - but, being a smart cook, re-read the recipe. Ah yes, now I remember: once you make the sauce it needs 4 hours in the slow cooker on high heat or 8 hours on low heat. Hmmm...how do I cram that into my crazy week schedule? I know one cool thing about a slow cooker is you can put everything in it in the morning, turn it on low and come home that night from work with your meal ready! But for some reason I've been a little reluctant to do that. What if I get stuck at work late or in traffic? I know they shut off to a low simmer once the timer goes off, but anyway I guess I'm not comfortable with something "cooking" in my house when I'm not there.
Last week definitely was burning the candle at both ends. Sunday night was our first hockey game of the season! Woo hoo! With a 10:45pm faceoff! Not so woohoo. But that's winter season for ya. It was awesome seeing my teammates again, meeting a couple new faces and getting back on the ice. I had not skated since around June and frankly have been woefully lame getting regular exercise. But I actually skated and played a lot better than I thought I would. And we had an 8-4 blowout win!
There's something surreal about leaving the rink after a late game. That night, it was midnight. Luckily this game was at the rink that's just a 5 minute drive from my house, so no excuses. Once I get to the rink, especially for a late game, time kind of stops mentally for me, except for our game clock. I force myself not to look at the "real" clock...nope don't need to be reminded it's 11:30pm or whatever! Crazy.
Now, it's uber hard to immediately wind down and get to sleep after hockey, as much as I want to/need to, especially on a Sunday night (errr, early Monday I guess). So that means an extra cup of coffee at work. Those of you reading this who play hockey or other late night sports know what I'm talking about!
So Sunday night was out for making the sauce. Onward to Monday. Well, I didn't get home as early as I'd thought, and so I got a late start getting the ingredients ready. There's a bit of chopping and prep time, plus you need to brown 3 lbs of ground beef and make a little extra sauce with some deglazing. I honestly don't mind doing a lot of chopping/prep work by hand. Yeah, there are these really cool things out there called food processors, and I actually do own a couple - one large, one small - but when it comes to chopping, slicing or dicing relatively small amounts of ingredients, I'm good with my cutting board and a sharp knife. My Mom says I'm my grandmother's granddaughter...on my Dad's side. Right down to our mutual love of flour sack towels to get those last drops off of pots and pans after they air dry.
Getting the meat, veggies and deglazing sauce ready was all I had time for on Monday. Even on the high heat setting, 4 hours in the slow cooker would mean finishing up at 1am. And I just couldn't do it. So I put the cooked meat and veggies in a huge Pyrex bowl, poured the deglazed sauce in it, covered it with foil and put it in the fridge.
Tuesday? Well, that was a night out with my Silpada team. We meet monthly and normally are at our team leader's house, but this time we changed it up and met at Purple, a wine bar in downtown Bellevue. I loved seeing everybody and relaxing with some wine and munchies. Someone even sprung for a round of salted caramels for dessert. WOW. We definitely were the most bling'd out table, and given it was a little noisy we just had a ton of chitchat rather than any kind of organized meeting agenda, and passed around eachother's jewelry for everyone to try on.
I got home at 10pm that night. So that's a no-go on finishing that darn sauce.
Wednesday night, anyone? This HAD to be the night to finish. I thought it would be OK, but a teeny part of me was worried that the sauce would turn out different or weird having been in the fridge for two days. But, it turned out great. Kinda weird getting steaming hot sauce to cool down and get divided up into Tupperwares...at midnight. Ahh, blissful sleep.
So I learned that slow cooking is MUCH better done on a weekend. Thankfully this sauce keeps beautifully in the fridge or freezer. (This sauce stores up to 3 days in airtight containers in the fridge or in the freezer for up to 3 months). But it's soooo good I bet you won't be able to keep it around that long!
Here's the recipe!
Bolognese Sauce
Makes about 12 cups (3 quarts)
2 T olive oil
2 oz pancetta, chopped
2 small, finely chopped yellow onions
2 finely chopped carrots
1 stalk finely chopped celery
3 lbs ground beef
2 C beef broth
1 1/2 C dry red wine
1 can (28 oz) crushed or diced plum tomatoes
1/2 C milk
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Fresh Italian leaf parsley, minced for garnish (optional)
In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, warm the oil. Add the pancetta and saute until it begins to render its fat, about 1 minute. Add the onions, carrots and celery and saute until the onions are translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the beef and cook, breaking up the meat with a wooden spoon, until it is no longer red, about 7 minutes.
Transfer to the slow cooker. Add the broth and wine to the pan and raise the heat to high. Bring to a boil and deglaze the pan, stirring to scrape up the browned bits on the pan bottom. Pour the liquid into the slow cooker along with the tomatoes and stir to combine.
Cover and cook the sauce on the high heat setting for 4 hours, or the low heat setting for 8 hours. Add the milk, stirring to combine. Cover and continue cooking for 20 minutes longer. Season with salt and pepper.
...now, how do you use this sauce? Toss it with some fettucine and sprinkle in fresh-grated Parmesan cheese.
Or try it with Polenta:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Butter a gratin baking dish (I actually just use a 9 x 13 glass casserole). Take a tube of prepared Polenta (18 oz) and slice it crosswise into slices about 1/4" thick. Arrange the slices in the bottom of the baking dish, overlapping them. Spoon the Bolognese sauce around the slices generously and sprinkle a 1/2 cup of fresh-grated Parmesan cheese. Bake until the sauce is hot and bubbly, about 20 minutes. Served with minced fresh Italian parsley for garnish.
from the Williams-Sonoma Food Made Fast Slow Cooker Recipes book.
