Wow...how fun that my typical blogging day - Sunday - is New Years Day! What sprang from unemployment, boredom, frustration and a lifelong passion for writing is now over two years strong - this September ol' fivenineteen here will be 3. THREE! This will likely be the most productive thing I do all day. Oh, and taking the Christmas tree down too. Thankfully it's a 4 foot artificial tree. Easy to pull apart and pack up until next time.
I remember as a kid I didn't really "believe" it was the New Year until I saw it in writing. Which meant seeing the new year in print on the newspaper the next morning. There still is a part of me that feels that way...although now it's the date readout on my cell phone, my home landline phone or even the little clock on the corner of the laptop screen here. Yep, it's Sunday January 1, 2012. Wow.
It's only natural to reflect back on the year that Was...2011 started off with a bang. Literally. My family said goodbye way too soon to a family member - my cousin's ex wife - at age 41. And a new relationship...intense, yes, which flamed out quickly. And, admittedly, took me awhile to process. Thanks to time and some newly-discovered wisdom shared with me by my dear friend T, it's all so clear to me now. And so great to just Let It All Go.
My health took a nosedive in late winter/early spring last year. Enough to where any plans to hit the gym and train for the year's 5Ks went out the window. We had Typhoid Mary run rampant in that team's cubicle farm. I coughed for two months straight. Here's a tall glass of water in a plastic tumbler toast to a MUCH healthier 2012...with 5Ks to boot! Hmmm, I might steer clear of the gym for a few weeks and try getting outside to exercise. Such a cliche...it's jam packed in January - too hard to get a free treadmill!
I'm optimistic and hopeful about the economy and my job. Save for a two-week break last year between engagements, I was employed all of 2011!! WHAT a relief after the mess of late 2009 and first half of 2010. We HAVE to pull out of this drudgery that is a recession/depression/whatever it is. It sucks and I have good friends still feeling the burn.
My confidence in my Silpada jewelry business only continues to grow and grow...every conversation, every party, every question about my jewelry and what I'm doing only fuels me that I can really DO this, have fun, and make a surprisingly great commission on the side! Just by "selling" a product I've loved for years! (I use "selling" in quotes because it does not really feel like selling at all in the traditional sense.) Just sharing info with people! I meet up regularly with other local reps and the friendships that have grown from them are simply fabulous. Incredible women.
And what a great crescendo on the last part of 2011 when the consulting work I did for free back in 2010 popped into some extra paying work for a couple of months in late 2011! That project is on hold right now, but there is a very strong chance we'll resume work again with the client later this year. Fascinating...and who knows where it could lead? I will be at my current full-time job through late June this year and I know it will go fast. And believe me, I know how to network. If I could stay on longer with this team through June I would leap at the opportunity. But since I do consulting engagements, that's not part of the deal usually. Budget cycles and all mean consultants come and go. Nothing personal.
I feel truly happy and blessed...big smiles as I welcome 2012 and look outside into the sunshine. Time to get outside for a walk!
Oh man ohmanohmanohman...I am sitting here grinning ear to ear, sunshine streaming into the home office...and...
It's. Only. 11am!! Not noon!
Seriously, people, our flip back to Standard Time (clocks go back one hour) is my most FAVORITE time of the year. Payback...we balance the books. It's no secret DST kicks my ass when we lose that hour in the spring. I feel jetlagged that entire week, and perpetually stressed that I am constantly running late. Tired + late = bad combination.
But now, time to chill. I woke up Saturday just knowing this morning was coming. Kinda poked around the house and later, fueled by a salted caramel mocha from a Starbucks drive thru (which I RARELY do even though there is one just 5 seconds from my house), I drove out to visit my dear friend T in Sammamish. She's going to do a Silpada party later in December - an absolutely perfect time to host a party as it's prime time shopping season! Blue sky, leaves turning - ahhh anytime I need to whip out sunglasses in November I am a happy girl.
I had a major sushi craving as I was driving home, and swung by the Metropolitan Market to pick up some other groceries too. I used to commute through the Houghton neighborhood a couple of years ago when I briefly worked in Kirkland and I miss it. The Metropolitan Market is absolutely amazing, and the people who work there have their shit together. Nice, knowledgeable, energetic. You can just "feel" it when you walk in.
So I grabbed some pre-made sushi (it's actually pretty decent as they make it fresh right there in the store), got home and added an extra blob of wasabi and a few shakes of Nama Shoyu (unpasteurized soy sauce as recommended in my raw food cookbooks). Even found my chopsticks too! Bliss.
...almost as blissful as sleeping in today until 10am (which really was 11am but I remembered to turn the clocks back tonight - oops, well most of them). Funny how my cell phone didn't make the automatic change (booo) but the old, crappy laptop here sure did.
So that's about it. Just enjoying a nice, lazy weekend - hockey is the big exclamation point later tonight. Can't wait!
And the nice people at amazon.com are sending me a book that was very highly recommended by my new friend D. I'll leave it at that for now - it's on it way and I will likely have my first ever book review post in here soon!
Wow.
OK, I'm tired. I can't decide if this is a good tired or not, so I'm going with good...for now.
I got a lot of seeds planted over the past year and half. Seeds like job connections. Doing the pro bono work with my friend/colleague when I was unemployed. Representing Silpada. And it's funny how sometimes the seeds sprout up all at the same time!
I had one of those weeks where I barely had time to sneeze, starting with Tuesday. Oh yes, glorious hockey. Hockey is that regular rhythm that is such a delicious part of my lifestyle...a wacky outlet that continually surprises people when I tell them I play (yes, year 'round, co-ed). Normally we have games on Sunday nights, but this week we played on Tuesday night...a 9:30pm faceoff at a rink about a half hour drive from my house. We had a tough 4-1 loss, but on the other hand it was probably a good 'keep the ego in check' kind of game, because our previous two games were blowout wins.
Getting home at 11:30pm on a Tuesday night, knowing morning is just around the corner, is surreal. It's hard to wind down and immediately get to sleep, so the next day I am usually on adrenaline and crash early the next night.
Wednesday? After work I met with a former co-worker for a quick drink. He used to be my Director way back in the early 2000s, and we have kept in touch over the years as our career paths moved onward. Most recently he and I worked together on that pro bono project with another mutual colleague.
...that project which is pro bono no more! Later that night I got home, got a 2nd (3rd?) wind and fired up the home laptop. Did I mention that the company did finally land some actual business with an actual client? And that while the gig was in progress the founder of this company (my friend/colleague who was actually doing the work himself because it wasn't enough to justify hiring someone) meanwhile also landed some full-time work of his own with a different company and moved to Baltimore? And asked me to help finish up the project? Yes, 'tis true. Whew, did those last few sentences make sense? It's all a big whoosh, just like it's been in my head trying to process it all. I'm flattered he asked me to take over the work to be done, and also am learning how much my brain needs to stretch to keep the mental "work" energy fresh and vibrant for an extra 10 hours or so a month. I got home Wednesday night after that drink with M, called A (who is on east coast time so it's super late for him), fired up the laptop here and worked for an hour on another version of a project schedule. Ah, the classic time and resource constraints. We now have a recommended schedule and a shortened, condensed version of the schedule, which we may have to resort to if our client's budget runs out end of calendar year. And we need a decision quick because time is ticking. Nope, the calendar is not our friend.
As I was working over the phone with A updating the spreadsheet, I was mentally multi-tasking, thinking ahead to the next morning - Thursday. We had a training session onsite with that client, and earlier this month I was a little worried on if I'd be able to take a half day off from my "real" full-time job to go to the client site. Thursdays are typically super busy. But the universe smiled, and it was easy to get my time off approved. Even better, the FTEs at my full-time job had an offsite event all day, so I didn't feel too guilty about being away either. None of the pro bono work I'm doing is in direct competition with my full-time job, but still it feels a little funny doing this side work...not in a bad way at all though.
The training Thursday morning was in downtown Seattle. Le Sigh, how suburban I have become. I was laughing to myself remembering how long it's been since I've worked downtown. 17 years. How I miss it...I lived and worked in Seattle for years after finishing college and just took the bus everywhere - it was fabulous. And I never lived in the suburbs while working in the city - the only time I ever did any regular commuting from the suburbs into Seattle was - gulp - in 1988 when I was taking some classes at the U of W for some extra college credit while home for the summer between my junior and senior year.
So that night I was wondering just how bad the traffic would be for the morning commute. And I had to get up about an hour and a half earlier than I usually do. It was almost dreamlike, busting out of my routine, heading over that bridge into Seattle. The bridge where they're still struggling to get the toll functionality to work properly - looks like they've pushed out to start in December now. I actually made great time and got to the building about a half hour early. Ahhh, perfect. Enough time to join the super long line at Starbucks. I needed a double tall nonfat latte something fierce! I reminisced, remembering how I worked in a building just across the street from where I was, high up enough to where we could look DOWN upon this building as it was under construction. Back in those days when I dressed up for work in skirts, pantyhose and pumps, and the only computer in our office was a huge 386 desktop for all 6 of us to share. We did most of our daily grind on state of the art (back then) typewriters and our essential fax machine. Ahhh, that morning it felt strange to be going to work without my laptop briefcase. Just my purse and a notebook tucked inside. How much things have changed in 20+ years!
After the client meetings that morning, I headed back to the 'burbs and my full-time job. And made the drastic mental shift from consulting to...printing. What's going on here? Well, at my full-time job some of the team are conducting a long series of workshops where they use large wall posters as visual aids to do some grounding on why the heck we're doing the work we're doing. We're a little tight on our supply budget, so I was asked to help out by doing some of the large poster printouts myself, using one of the huge plotter-style printers that are in various locations around our campus. Sounds easy enough, but it sure wasn't. Finding where they are, finding out if they're open for other groups to use (meaning, not private), finding out if they are actually working or not, getting the right printer drivers installed... UGH UGH UGH. Now I'm not one to bitch about work, but come on now. How much money are we really saving having me, a well-paid (and, ahem, well-billed) consultant doing all this legwork that we could just hand off to a professional printer and be done with it? Hmmm.
A 10 minute drive across campus and 3 hours later, I completed the printouts. Getting them rolled up and clipped and into my car - in the rain - was interesting to say the least. Paper is goddamn heavy! No joke! I'd hoped to get some other work done while these huge posters were printing but nope, no dice. I found out just how high maintenance these print jobs are. The paper does not capture well after it prints, so I had to hold it just so, so it wouldn't fold up or bend.
And at about 4:30pm, I mentally shut down. I'd gotten up early, got out of my routine going downtown for half a day, then spent the other half of the day back at work cranking out posters on a huge printer. Guess that hit my saturation point. I went home, exhausted.
Friday was a good day to catch up on work missed Thursday, and I topped it off meeting up with D for a drink at Brix, a wonderful wine bar not far from my house. D's the one I ran into at the Michael Kors store a few weeks ago (see my Two Surprising Ds post for that funny story!). I'm really enjoying getting to know her!
And Saturday? Keeping up with me here? I did a Silpada party for my good friend S, who was my neighbor here in the townhouse complex for many years. She and her boyfriend recently bought an absolutely beautiful home in Lake Tapps and it was time for housewarming and playing with jewelry! We had a blast. It's an hour drive each way to their house, but so incredibly worth it. I earned $300 commission from the party sales - not too shabby for just a few hours of "work" eh?
So it's not surprising that I slept in till nearly 11am today. Yikes, that even is late for me and borders on feeling wasteful of the day. But that was how tired I was!
No rest tonight either save for a short nap maybe later. Yep, Sunday night means hockey. And tonight's faceoff?
10:45pm. Awww yeahhhh.
Fall is here! Even on a rare sunny day like yesterday it felt different. It's crispy outside (or soggy if it's raining). It's getting darker a little earlier than it used to and the shadows are long even midday. I met up with a good friend on the top of the hill here yesterday very spontaneously for a 90 minute brisk walk. Leaves are starting to turn, and the tall sunflowers in that corner yard we always pass by are now top heavy and tired from their own weight.
So while I always mourn summer as she melts away into fall, I DO love this time of year for the clothes and food. Time to bust out the sweaters, boots, leather jackets...oh yeah. And cooking! Soups! Stews!
Last year I purchased a slow cooker for the first time. I remember our Crock Pot as a kid - my Mom made wonderful chicken dishes all the time - and they seem to be coming around in style again. Kinda like fondue. Anyway, mine was free actually. Remember the Refrigerator Drama from last year? I got a $100 Sears gift card, one of the few bright spots in that whole episode. So I used it toward a slow cooker. Very nice, stainless steel, 3 1/2 quart size. And my folks gave me a Williams-Sonoma slow cooker recipe book for Christmas. Love it!
And it was time to bust a move with it again. Last weekend I had 3 lbs of ground beef in my fridge, just a couple days away from use it or freeze it. I really wanted to make a Bolognese sauce - the cookbook recipe is wonderful - but, being a smart cook, re-read the recipe. Ah yes, now I remember: once you make the sauce it needs 4 hours in the slow cooker on high heat or 8 hours on low heat. Hmmm...how do I cram that into my crazy week schedule? I know one cool thing about a slow cooker is you can put everything in it in the morning, turn it on low and come home that night from work with your meal ready! But for some reason I've been a little reluctant to do that. What if I get stuck at work late or in traffic? I know they shut off to a low simmer once the timer goes off, but anyway I guess I'm not comfortable with something "cooking" in my house when I'm not there.
Last week definitely was burning the candle at both ends. Sunday night was our first hockey game of the season! Woo hoo! With a 10:45pm faceoff! Not so woohoo. But that's winter season for ya. It was awesome seeing my teammates again, meeting a couple new faces and getting back on the ice. I had not skated since around June and frankly have been woefully lame getting regular exercise. But I actually skated and played a lot better than I thought I would. And we had an 8-4 blowout win!
There's something surreal about leaving the rink after a late game. That night, it was midnight. Luckily this game was at the rink that's just a 5 minute drive from my house, so no excuses. Once I get to the rink, especially for a late game, time kind of stops mentally for me, except for our game clock. I force myself not to look at the "real" clock...nope don't need to be reminded it's 11:30pm or whatever! Crazy.
Now, it's uber hard to immediately wind down and get to sleep after hockey, as much as I want to/need to, especially on a Sunday night (errr, early Monday I guess). So that means an extra cup of coffee at work. Those of you reading this who play hockey or other late night sports know what I'm talking about!
So Sunday night was out for making the sauce. Onward to Monday. Well, I didn't get home as early as I'd thought, and so I got a late start getting the ingredients ready. There's a bit of chopping and prep time, plus you need to brown 3 lbs of ground beef and make a little extra sauce with some deglazing. I honestly don't mind doing a lot of chopping/prep work by hand. Yeah, there are these really cool things out there called food processors, and I actually do own a couple - one large, one small - but when it comes to chopping, slicing or dicing relatively small amounts of ingredients, I'm good with my cutting board and a sharp knife. My Mom says I'm my grandmother's granddaughter...on my Dad's side. Right down to our mutual love of flour sack towels to get those last drops off of pots and pans after they air dry.
Getting the meat, veggies and deglazing sauce ready was all I had time for on Monday. Even on the high heat setting, 4 hours in the slow cooker would mean finishing up at 1am. And I just couldn't do it. So I put the cooked meat and veggies in a huge Pyrex bowl, poured the deglazed sauce in it, covered it with foil and put it in the fridge.
Tuesday? Well, that was a night out with my Silpada team. We meet monthly and normally are at our team leader's house, but this time we changed it up and met at Purple, a wine bar in downtown Bellevue. I loved seeing everybody and relaxing with some wine and munchies. Someone even sprung for a round of salted caramels for dessert. WOW. We definitely were the most bling'd out table, and given it was a little noisy we just had a ton of chitchat rather than any kind of organized meeting agenda, and passed around eachother's jewelry for everyone to try on.
I got home at 10pm that night. So that's a no-go on finishing that darn sauce.
Wednesday night, anyone? This HAD to be the night to finish. I thought it would be OK, but a teeny part of me was worried that the sauce would turn out different or weird having been in the fridge for two days. But, it turned out great. Kinda weird getting steaming hot sauce to cool down and get divided up into Tupperwares...at midnight. Ahh, blissful sleep.
So I learned that slow cooking is MUCH better done on a weekend. Thankfully this sauce keeps beautifully in the fridge or freezer. (This sauce stores up to 3 days in airtight containers in the fridge or in the freezer for up to 3 months). But it's soooo good I bet you won't be able to keep it around that long!
Here's the recipe!
Bolognese Sauce
Makes about 12 cups (3 quarts)
2 T olive oil
2 oz pancetta, chopped
2 small, finely chopped yellow onions
2 finely chopped carrots
1 stalk finely chopped celery
3 lbs ground beef
2 C beef broth
1 1/2 C dry red wine
1 can (28 oz) crushed or diced plum tomatoes
1/2 C milk
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Fresh Italian leaf parsley, minced for garnish (optional)
In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, warm the oil. Add the pancetta and saute until it begins to render its fat, about 1 minute. Add the onions, carrots and celery and saute until the onions are translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the beef and cook, breaking up the meat with a wooden spoon, until it is no longer red, about 7 minutes.
Transfer to the slow cooker. Add the broth and wine to the pan and raise the heat to high. Bring to a boil and deglaze the pan, stirring to scrape up the browned bits on the pan bottom. Pour the liquid into the slow cooker along with the tomatoes and stir to combine.
Cover and cook the sauce on the high heat setting for 4 hours, or the low heat setting for 8 hours. Add the milk, stirring to combine. Cover and continue cooking for 20 minutes longer. Season with salt and pepper.
...now, how do you use this sauce? Toss it with some fettucine and sprinkle in fresh-grated Parmesan cheese.
Or try it with Polenta:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Butter a gratin baking dish (I actually just use a 9 x 13 glass casserole). Take a tube of prepared Polenta (18 oz) and slice it crosswise into slices about 1/4" thick. Arrange the slices in the bottom of the baking dish, overlapping them. Spoon the Bolognese sauce around the slices generously and sprinkle a 1/2 cup of fresh-grated Parmesan cheese. Bake until the sauce is hot and bubbly, about 20 minutes. Served with minced fresh Italian parsley for garnish.
from the Williams-Sonoma Food Made Fast Slow Cooker Recipes book.
As I fire up the keyboard here I'm realizing this post will likely be in two parts - some rambling on how I'm doing and then more about the post title. But hey, it's my blog and my rocks rolling around in my head so there we are.
My physical and emotional health both took a nosedive this month. But I think I can say that my cough is pretty much gone. Just some hacking in the morning and a little in the evening when I'm tired. After 3 weeks of this, you bet I'm sick of being sick!
Emotionally...well...overall I'm feeling good and putting the whole breakup thing behind me. Every day it's farther in the rear view mirror and more of a capsule of really great memories rather than anything to feel sad about.
Are he and I in contact, you may wonder? No, and we won't be. When he called that night to break up I was in shock. But somewhere at the end of our conversation I think we'd agreed to speak again in a few days. I was going to call him, yep, we agreed to that. But since then I got removed off Facebook...un-friended. Wow, the quirky world of Facebook. Whatever...OK. And couple of my friends called his breaking up over the phone cowardly. Perhaps...but it doesn't matter in the end. It's still over and wasn't my choice. I don't feel a need to label it. So no, I didn't call him.
Does he read this blog? He sure did at first. And loved it. Even shared it with some good friends of his on his trip to Australia last month. Perhaps it was my first post-breakup post that he didn't like so much. I'd bet money he's read it. If he has great; if not, great. It's my words and my feelings and isn't intended for anyone in particular. There are a fair amount who tune in here regularly (thank you!) and a few who stumble in here on accident (another thank you!).
If you haven't seen that first post-breakup post yet, it's a couple weeks back, "Misled and Broken." And it's not a bashfest on him. I don't operate that way...and as angry as I am (OK, was as we're moving past this) about having my head and heart fucked with, I can't be angry at HIM. Does that make any sense? That's a hard one to articulate.
There are a few last dangly things I want to share in here about how I'm feeling post-breakup. I did feel a little down yesterday as the 26th was supposed to be a special night for he and I. First, the plan was to go to a fundraiser/auction of some sort. I remember when he sent the email with the scoop...I thought WOW. He's already thinking ahead and wants me to do more stuff aways out! What can I say - that may not be a big deal for some, but that's HUGE for me. Makes me feel really happy, included and wanted. Loved.
But the plans for that night later changed into going out with a large group to celebrate his birthday - something he does every year. Sounds even better! In fact, if I remember correctly, he told me about this change of plans just a few days before we split. Now, how can you already be thinking about pulling away from someone but tell them hey, instead of going to the auction we're going out with a bunch of people for my (his) birthday? I don't get it. Maybe his decision to break up was a super spontaneous one. Or maybe the chat we had at my place the week prior was my warning shot over the bow. It doesn't matter now. I just felt a little wistful last night knowing we'd had plans to be out celebrating. Plans that he moved forward with and that no longer included me. And with these words I close the door and move on.
A couple weeks ago I was changing the sheets on my bed and stubbed my toe on something just under the dust cover. Oh yeah...some, um, props for the boudoir. Specifically, hand restraints. Am I blushing as I type this? What can I tell you - don't knock it till you try it, people. Tangent warning: I have never had any issues or hangups with sex. And with very, very few exceptions, I've never had what anyone would call 'bad' sex. Meaning, chemistry's usually not an issue. But props/accessories...well, I've never really ever felt they were necessary nor have any of the men in my life ever suggested using them - till now.
And now they were sitting in a heap under my bed. What to do?
I then realized I still had a book he'd loaned me: The Primal Blueprint, by Mark Sisson. It promotes the primal (or paleo) way of eating - meaning, to eat like our ancestors did in the hunter/gatherer years, the way our bodies are genetically programmed! Lots of lean meats, vegetables and fruits. Hold off on the grains, dairy and processed foods. G raved about this book and I'd browsed through it on a couple occasions in his kitchen when he was cooking us dinner. It really is a fascinating book. There are 9809824 diet and nutrition books and theories out there. What really works? I don't read a lot of diet books, but this one literally jumped out at me...the same way the Carbohydrate Addicts book did about 15 years ago. I liked it so much I recently purchased the accompanying cookbook. Yum.
And as I was rearranging things in my pantry I found a small, round tupperware container of flour. The first time I cooked for us I made my signature corn chowder with potatoes, fennel and bacon - using the bacon he'd made himself. I needed just a tablespoon of flour for the roux and was totally out. And I was in that mode where I'd done all the chopping and prep work and was not in a position to run to the store to get flour. When you need flour, you really can't substitute anything else! So, G to the rescue bringing some by at the last minute!
So we've got flour, a book, and bedroom hand restraints. I've had a few episodes after breakups where we each needed to return stuff we had at eachother's houses - clothes, makeup, shoes or other things. Never those 3 things, much less all at once! Random!! And normally it's done in person, meeting up. This time it just didn't feel right to do it that way.
So I thought hmm, what to do with these 3 things? I ended up putting them in a brown grocery bag and drove up to his place late one night and put it in the back entry area near his car. Some of my friends said I was too nice to do this - should have just tossed everything in the trash. But that's not how I roll. Again, I can't label behavior like that as "too nice" or whatever the hell it is. It was something I needed to do and it felt good. And there was nothing of any significance of mine that was still at his place. Just a toothbrush. And now closing another door with these words.
Those 3 random things DO have significance...they point to 3 areas that are so important to me in relationships, and things he and I had no issues with period. Cooking, food and sex...basic needs we all have as humans.
So now, I think about Passion. Passion for cooking a great meal, sharing it with friends, and then passion later that night (and morning) with your special someone. Doesn't get much better than that. When I look back on my short time with G, I am inspired (re-inspired) to cook and cherish my love of food. I was reminded that you don't need a huge, gourmet kitchen to cook incredible meals for your family and friends. G's post-divorce apartment has a great floor plan. The kitchen is, well, your basic apartment kitchen - perhaps a "2 butt" size - enough for two people to cook together, and very basic appliances. But the cooking that came out of that kitchen - for just the two of us or a group of 12 - phenomenal.
And, transitioning topics here and onto what was more the point of this post (see, I DO always come back after longass tangents), "passion by participation" popped into my head one day. I think it was a crappy and stressed day at work that did it. We're on the brink of a large launch in the next few weeks, and our team's pretty beat down and stressed. No matter how hard we plan, we discover stuff that still needs to be done last minute. And we panic, freak out...but get it done. But we need to do a better job of collaborating under stress. Rather, we scurry into our silos and shut eachother out. Given my job is to provide planning and scheduling among other things, our actual way of executing on tasks flies in the face of my basic principles. But, our group and what we're working on is new, so the opportunities are incredible and boundless. There's a lot of "we don't know what we don't know." Myself included. And to survive in this group, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
I am a pretty good multi-tasker, but when I get stressed and overwhelmed I spin out and clue out. I even had an astrologer once tell me, during a natal chart reading, that I'm prone to "clue-ing out" more than others. Darn you, Neptune! [Just kidding - I can't remember which planetary alignment is to blame, ha ha]. Combine that with a therapist about a decade ago who introduced me to the word "negating." Brushing things off, nullyfying...oh dear this could be a whole 'nother post down the road. Lots of issues there. I'm fighting back - HARD.
I DO get my clue-ing out-ness quirk and how it gets worse when I'm under stress. Throw in a little PMS (typically I have one bad day a month) and I'm pretty much an inarticulate, blubbery mess for 24 hours.
What do I do about it? How do I stretch myself to improve? I decided I'm going to try very, very hard, no matter what I'm doing, to focus only on that one particular thing and not let other buzz distract me. When my world at work is a sea of emailing flying around, interruptions and back to back meetings, that's pretty damn hard to do! But can I do it better? And if so, will that improve the quality of my work? Or perhaps my relationships? How about my Silpada jewelry business? Or my hockey?
Passion starts with participation. Showing up! Being present mentally and physically! Ignoring other noise and distractions! YES! THIS is what I'm going to focus on for the next week, month, year...however long it takes till it becomes a habit.
I've got a lot of work to do. And I'm ready.
Oh February, February, you fickle bitch you. Teasing us with the promise of spring - love seeing those crocuses coming up and even a few zings of sunshine - and then whomping our butts with SNOW and COLD as we're about ready to dive into March! Yep, we had a few inches of snow, icy winds and temperatures down the in the teens at night. UGH, my power bill is going to be out of control yet again this month. The snow is beautiful...but no thanks so late in winter.
So how do you banish the blahs? You get out of the house and downtown for a change of scenery and some down & dirty live blues!
Exhibit A: the Highway 99 Blues Bar in Seattle. Gotta hand it to my friends D & B who invite a group of us out several times a year for different kinds of live music and dancing. A couple months ago it was live disco - now, the Blues! And I'm a suburban girl who needs to get my city fix on more and more, plus I LOVE checking out new venues. Great friends, great music and a big ol' dance floor - sounds good to me!
So ironically a few hours before hearing the Blues, I got smacked with the Blues myself. Totally came out of nowhere.
Let me back up here a little. And come with me on this tangent. I'd invited G to come along with me to this a few weeks ago, even before he left on his trip to Australia. And I was sooo excited he said yes. This was going to be the first time introducing him to a few of my friends and I was so over the top giddy! Weeee!
But the reality is he came down with a really bad bug a few days after coming back home. And who wouldn't after flying in a tube with hundreds of people halfway around the planet sharing god knows what icky germs for hours and hours, plus the shock of weather change from Australian summer to our freakazoidal cold snap here right? Yuck. We jokingly called it the Australian Wallaby Flu.
So he laid low for a few days and I had a couple of girls nights out earlier in the week, just keeping myself busy meanwhile. By Friday I was missing him so bad! And he came by to take me to dinner. We thought a margarita at the Mexican place walking distance from my house would kill off the germs but no dice. He was still hacking away. But you know I was so happy to see him, it didn't matter that by 8pm he was pretty much toast. Dang, this was a bad bug already, not leftover jeg lag! And ahhh, kisses and walking back home. I took his arm as we walked. You know, I really love that feeling. Nice and strong. A little stargazing too - LOVE that.
Now it's Saturday, and he's still feeling like crap. And he calls me and says he's really sorry but he's gonna have to bail on going out to the club with me.
Oh no oh no oh no. My heart sank. And I mentally started to topple over into a shitty thought place I'd thought I'd left behind over a decade ago. Being flaked out on. Being let down at the last minute. Guys who say they'll be there for me and change on a dime with no rational reason and don't show up. Fuck!
But screechy record sound already. The dude is sick! He doesn't flake out on me!! And it's not 2000 or 2001!! And oh dear lord this mental yin and yang was gonging in my head and I choked up. The rational vs. the emotional. My voice wobbled on the phone I'm sure. I don't recall all of what I said but I told him I felt totally bummed and now didn't feel like going either.
Meanwhile, the Bling. Yes, I got this call about a half hour before I was expecting some girlfriends (and my Mom!) at my house for an informal jewelry show and open house. Had my dining table decked out in beautiful scarves (nice alternative to a tablecloth) and trays of gorgeous jewelry ready to be touched and tried on. A little wine, sparkling water and some munchies. Weee! And now I'm feeling like a deflated balloon. But I gotta dig deep, shake it off and be the happy Hostess here!
And I did and was. We had a wonderful afternoon - this was a mix of friends who had not yet met eachother, nor had anyone met my Mom yet either! We had a great time. And you know, girl talk helps too. B (of D & B) came by too and when I told her G couldn't make it after all she was all oh man that's too bad, but next time. Just hearing those words made me realize that my old residue feelings from many, many years ago, have no place here. It's the PAST. No room! It has nothing to do with G and me. And my feelings, while, yes, they are my feelings, aren't the point here. Meaning, G is sick, end of story. He'll be back to normal in a day or two.
HUHHHHHHH. So that was my mental workout and I was glad to have friends with me, B's keepin' it real advice, and time to sell a little bling. In fact, the party sales put me past the goal I'd set for myself when I started this side business!! Woo hooooooo!
Then, it was time for the Blues. G called while I was just about at the club and it was so good to hear his voice. I was feeling a lot better about everything and even about ready to laugh at myself for how I'd reacted earlier. And when I was still not sure exactly where this club was, he looked it up on his laptop and helped me find it over the phone. Which was awesome, by the way.
I met up with D, B and a couple other couples (wow, good thing they got there early and got a table - the place was packed!). LOVED the music. There were two bands that night - first was the Karen Lovely band (she's in the pic up top). If Janis Joplin had a niece, this woman would be her. Freaking killer pipes. I was totally blown away - she far outshone the second act.
Then, I suddenly felt tired. And feverish. And then chills and my throat was sore. What was going on here? Did I catch something from G? Or was it the combo of a fun, sweaty basement bar and talking loudly, combined with a pulled pork sandwich and a couple of Stellas?
Nope. I was coming down with a cold. Who knows where it came from. But how ironic. B even said she's been battling one over a week now. Yes, it's February alright.
As we left the bar later and walked back to our cars, the cold air blasted right into my lungs. Cold, icy wind off the water. When I got to my car, I looked up and smiled. For I'd parked just steps from the steam plant where my Dad was CEO for many years before he retired. Something about seeing that building that literally put food on the table for my family and so much more, where Dad invested years in his career and turned the company from a bump on a log to a thriving operation made me do a big mental full circle. The plant chugs along 24/7 as it has for over 100 years. My past. And my emotional loopy doop was the last gasp (let's hope please!) of an old head rhythm whose tune is long past its prime.
DONE.
