Nope. On the contrary I have so many things whirling around in my head from this past week to write about that nothing has gelled yet. Not even this rather late in the weekend. Read on and you'll see what I mean.
Work contract extension. Jewelry "homework." Lots of parties this week...from a work party to a great girls night in with my neighbor A to watch reruns of the Real Housewives series on Bravo. Shamelessly. Oh, and Easter. Time with family today. An INTENSE Canucks/Blackhawks playoff series right now (I'm a huge Canucks fan, by the way). A fabulous silent auction last night to benefit a team a few friends will be playing on next week in a tournament to benefit Hockey Fights Cancer. Once I saw the spa package up for bid...AND the TPS hockey stick (a lefty - yay!) decked out in PINK, yep, with the breast cancer awareness ribbons on it...I knew those two beauties would be mine. And they are!
I started the evening yesterday meeting my dear friend J for sushi before we headed to the auction. And ended it meeting another friend J for a drink afterwards at the bar nearby...one of the guys I've know through the league for years but we fell out of contact recently. Good to reconnect. Too funny how I was tired yesterday and didn't think I'd stay at the auction too long, but I ended up heading home close to midnight with a pretty long drive ahead of me.
Now I'm even more tired and ready to hit the coffee before spending some time with my family to celebrate Easter. Can you believe how LATE Easter is this year? It's about as late as it can be.
Ahem, excuse my geekiness, but I happen to know why. There was a full moon just one day prior to the Vernal Equinox (the first day of spring) this year. Easter always needs the Equinox first, then a full moon, then a Sunday. So because a full moon was just the day prior to the Equinox this year, the moon had to go through a whole wax and wane cycle again...it wasn't full again until April 18, a Monday. Since Easter has to be on a Sunday we had to go another week till today, Sunday April 24.
And there's your Easter lesson from a rather tired fivenineteen here. Time to get ready for brunch, visit with family and then glue myself to the Canucks/Hawks game tonight. Can the Canucks finish off the series and send the Hawks to the golf course? Or do we have to go till game 7 to decide this once and for all?
I didn't do it. It didn't happen.
This morning was supposed to be my first 5K of the year...the Bellevue 5K/10K which starts and ends in the Downtown Park. My good friend T, fellow 5K'er and partner in crime for all things shopping and all things fabulous sushi, asked me to join her and a few others to do this one. Why not? She and I did two last year, and we were excited to try a different route!
For some reason I had a gut feeling early on that it wasn't meant to be. And it was for something as silly - and frustrating - as the registration process. I went online a few weeks ago to sign up and the damn system put me in the most bizarre loop. I kept getting prompted to register and create an account, starting with my email address. So, after creating a new account, I got an error that my email address was already registered and that I just needed to sign in. Huh?
OK, OK, no problem. Perhaps I did create an account many moons ago with this registration network. But try as I might with a handful of the standard passwords I use, no luck. I then hit the 'forgot my password' button, but got yet another error that 'this email address is not on file - please register.' REALLY? And the same thing happened with three different email addresses. So, the system was hosed. Thankfully T registered on my behalf after I'd tried this a few times to no avail.
If you know me in real life or perhaps read my ramblings here regularly, you may recall I've been under the weather, battling a lingering cold and cough since about February. It's pretty much gone (dang I say that every week...longest decrescendo ever eh?) but it's very apparent how it's sapped my energy level - moreso my voice. I was talking with T yesterday on the phone to figure out timing and where we were going to meet this morning and she asked, "Are you feeling OK? You don't sound so good." I was feeling good, but my ravaged voice sounded otherwise. I guess I've gotten so used to how somewhat raspy it is right now. I told her no, I'm fine, looking forward to tomorrow and all. And I was!
It's a little frightening how horrible a morning person I am becoming. The race started at 8am, which meant I'd have to get up even earlier - on a Sunday - than I typically do for work, to allow enough time to drive, park, pick up my registration packet and all. So I forced myself to bed a few hours earlier than normal, but I tossed and turned like a dumbass. Did I have my alarm set correctly? Did I turn off its weekend sleeper cycle so it WOULD go off on Sunday? DUH. I NEVER worry about that on weeknights! Anyway, I remember this tossy/turny feeling the nights prior to 5Ks, so I tried to just laugh it off and relax.
Normally my adrenaline kicks in and I bust through my inner fog and get up. But today, that didn't happen. Around 6:30am or so, I stumbled out of bed and went downstairs to text T that I was a no-go. Feeling oh so very turdlike. But I knew deep down she would understand. And she was doing this race with her boyfriend and a few others so I wasn't leaving her high and dry.
Then I went back to sleep. I had no idea how much - or little - sleep I'd gotten the night before, but I sure needed more now. Alarm...off you go.
But in the fuzzy purgatory-ish moments between laying awake and falling asleep, I started having what I call Half Dreams. I'm not fully asleep in a dream when these happen. Rather I have two visions in front of me. First, whatever I would normally see, like the bed blankets, the ceiling or the window...and then an overlay of whatever the dream scene is. Anyone else ever experience these? I've only just noticed them recently. They are mostly very brief scenes of recent memories - things that have happened at work or just hanging around the house here. And even the memory of the flashing lights in my rear view mirror when I got a speeding ticket last month. Ha. Somewhere there's some irony and humor about getting a speeding ticket going TO work.
I finally crawled out of bed around 10am. Sweet freakin' bliss. THAT cleansing sleep (and a few Half Dreams) was exactly what I needed. And as I went downstairs a second time to start my day (Take 2!) I smiled as I checked my phone and saw T's text: "Totally understand! Love you!".
Now THAT'S a true friend alright. Can't wait to see her later this week and get caught up over fabulous sushi.
This November I will celebrate nine years here in my townhome. Yes, it was Thanksgiving weekend 2002 and I won't ever forget the adrenaline rushes, from waiting on offer respones to the inspection...and the hugeass cashiers checks in my hot little hands. Sweating it a bit as a first-time home buyer...doing this on my own, with no husband or boyfriend. And being in a dual residency position for a few weeks, as the last days of my apartment lease overlapped with when I closed on the place here. I remember thinking oh, this is perfect, I'll have time to paint or whatever before the furniture gets moved in.
Yeah, right. Turns out I had to go out of town on business for a week, very last minute, and I got home literally at midnight the day of the big move. My pre-move time was focused on packing up endless boxes and making multiple trips to Goodwill. My Mom, bless her heart, offered to help me put shelf paper in all of the kitchen and bathroom cabinets and drawers because there was NONE. Gross. So, after some good scrubdowns and seemingly endless cuttings of shelf paper, we did it. Between the kitchen cupboards and cabinets, plus 3 bathrooms (a powder room, full bath, plus a separate large master open vanity), there was a LOT of surface area to cover.
Trust me, even moving just 3 miles is a huge pain in the butt. I had to get a new phone number (landline) because I'd moved out of whatever zone or grid they were using. [I was late to the cell phone party, just getting my first in 2001, so I was much more reliant on the landline in those years]. And I now also recall how the cell phone reception in my old apartment was pretty bad - we were perfectly poised in a dead spot. Ugh. Other than that, I adored that old apartment. So much I stayed in it nearly 5 years, and it really didn't motivate me to look for a place of my own. The rent was very reasonable, and the amenities in turn were incredible.
I am probably the 5th or 6th owner in this home. These units were built in 1980, and, as cliche as it sounds, they really don't make 'em like this anymore. These units are true townhome style, not cookie cutter square boxes. Each home has an oversized, 2-car garage. You really, truly don't see large garages in newer condo/townhome construction around here. Maybe a 1 car garage, or a 2 car, tandem style. And STAIRS. Three levels. One of my earliest posts in here was how much I felt grown up when I got stairs of my own. My earliest childhood memories are of my folks' large rambler - we moved to a home with stairs later. To me, as silly as it seems, this meant GROWING UP.
I can only imagine all of the memories jammed in my house from the past 30 years. Lordy, just my short block of nine is chock full. Painting - doing it on my own and schlepping back and forth to the local Home Depot. Countless trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Holy crap, now I had THREE bathrooms to furnish, not just one! Updated window treatments. Workin' on that curb appeal. Not to mention the social memories - too countless to list here.
I met the sellers of my place very briefly, and they mentioned that they had 6 ferrets as pets, but replaced all of the carpet and flooring once they moved out. FERRETS? SIX? Faint. Did I really need to know this?
They may have replaced the carpet and flooring, but took the fridge and washer dryer. Not very appealing to a buyer necessarily, BUT it gave me good leverage in negotiating a price. After all, I would need to fork out a few grand to purchase appliances. At least they would be new.
How much updating have I done in here beyond that? Well, not as much as I'd hoped after nearly a decade, but I have a tendency to be overly self-critical. Between a large outside repair assessment (for our entire HOA), and later a large, individual project for me to rip out and redo my back deck, those were large chunks of spending for sure. But so worth it. I have a nearly 400 square foot back deck which is private. I've had a ton of fun painting and playing around with bold colors, plus I just adore the custom wood blinds I've added in the living room and bedrooms. Replaced the microwave and stove too. The fridge now, ahem, twice. [See my 'Refrigerator Drama' post from last fall on that episode].
And yet in this age of super-large kitchens, granite countertops and slate tile flooring, well, I have yet to make any of those updates. Hell, I still have popcorn ceilings which need to be sprayed down and scraped. For real. No floor molding updates either, as I ripped out the yucky brown stuff when I painted. And some old, scary dark brown doors on the upper floor need replacing. I did the downstairs doors but was on the brink of a job change and held off doing the whole house, grr. Now I wish I had. Too funny how I have the doorknob hardware all ready to rock - but no new doors. Yes, the list is long.
So what's the deal with saging? Well, several of my friends have done it and really recommend it. It's cleansing and gets rid of negative energy in a house - moving into a new home is a perfect time to sage.
The sage I purchased is about the size of very small bundle of asparagus. You light it, blow out the flame, and let the rest of the 'torch' smolder. Spring has yet to really, well, spring, around here but it wasn't raining so I decided to do it today and open up all the doors and windows here in the house.
And no, the smoke alarm did not go off, whew.
You're supposed to go clockwise in each room with the sage smoke, saying a blessing meanwhile. Clean, clean clean. All of the bad memories for me in this house BE GONE, plus who knows what else happened prior to me moving in. I know a woman died in here a couple decades ago but honestly that never has really freaked me out. What else happened? Doesn't really matter now - the vibes if any are gone.
Call me cuckoo, but I DID feel better after doing this. And the smell was not overwhelming at all - in fact it was gone after about 30 minutes - all I felt was fresh air after that. Nice.
Never have I been so happy to flip a calendar page! Welcome, APRIL!! March, well, you were great for the first five or six days, then you pretty much blew chunks. Better luck next year.
You know what's great about blogging? The power of the written word never ceases to amaze me. I've had a fair amount of feedback on my March posts, for example...from empathy and support all the way to 'get over it...for fuck's sake stop blogging about it.' Hmm. Us Taureans are masters at digging in our heels...we'll do whatever we want to, when we want to. And I'm extremely flattered that people read my writing. It's from me all the way down to my toes. You might not always like what you read in here. Some of my posts I'm very proud of, while others might be mediocre or clunkers. But you can be assured it's all Me.
After about a year and a half blogging (this is my 110th post - wow) I smile and laugh at the variety of topics in here. Maps. Makeup. Childhood memories. Food. The almighty Job Hunt. Whatever it is, I've stayed true to my self-imposed 'rules' in here: no names - initials only. It's OK to call out locations (cities, restaurants, shops) by name but not people. Stay away from political or religious-themed posts. Too polarizing. And the biggest rule of all?
No apologies and no regrets.
When you know you want to start a blog but have zero idea what it's going to be about - well, you need a LITTLE structure, right? I know damn well that once something's out here I can't take it back. Sure, I can remove posts but it really can't be undone. I am human and gloriously flawed as we all are. Some stuff in here may later be cringe-worthy once more time has passed, but it's documented, out there and I can't (and don't want to) do anything about that.
I made one of my favorite dishes last night - Moroccan style chicken with olives. The spice combination is incredible: cumin, ground ginger, cinnamon, paprika and a little cayenne pepper. Combine that with garlic, sauteed chicken in olive oil, kalamata olives, a couple bay leafs, white wine and chicken stock...the aroma is heavenly. Therapeutic even. I threw in a can of diced tomatoes when I discovered that my newest cookbook also has a version of this recipe too.
Still battling through this second cold/sore throat - whatever it's going to evolve into. I volunteered last week with a few co-workers at a middle school where they were conducting police training. They needed actors to simulate various scenarios in a school shooting, such as people running down the hallways screaming, or being hostages held up in a classroom with the shooter. It's a really great experience and the police are so very appreciative of our time so they can train on how to handle what's become a sad fact of reality in our schools - and workplaces too. We wore multiple layers of clothing plus protective headgear as the ammo they use in the training is like paintball on steroids. The headgear is a little like Darth Vader meets Miner's Helmet. Hard to breathe. I got overheated and maybe somehow that made me vulnerable to getting sick again. All I know is I wasn't feeling very good once we were finished, like a bad wave washing over me. But I will definitely volunteer again!
I was chatting with my good friend T today and she reminded me that emotional stress has probably affected my health too. I think she's right. She also recommended saging my house. Gets rid of negative energy. Bad juju. Now, I'm pretty open-minded about stuff but I have always kind of pooh-pooh'd saging. Plus, I don't want my house smelling like I had a million friends over smoking pot all weekend.
But, I jumped in my car and headed down to the PCC - a food co-op and organic grocery store chain here in the Seattle area. I knew that if I wanted sage, that was the closest, most convenient place to find it. And how wonderful to re-discover this store. I used to frequent it far more often when my work commute took me right by it on the way home a couple of years ago. And when I delved into raw food "cooking" and vegan cooking it was one of the best places to find specialty ingredients. With super nice, helpful staff. We are so fortunate here to have such an amazing variety of higher-end, specialty grocery stores.
Is it expensive? Sure. But, after reading The Primal Blueprint I totally get and agree with the author's argument that doing away with processed foods, energy drinks, energy bars, whole grains, dairy, etc means more $$ to devote to what's truly good and healthy for our bodies. Pick up the book if you can - it's a great read and Mark Sisson says it far better than I can here.
So, off I went to purchase some sage. I also stumbled upon some fish oil capsules (I haven't tried these either but they are highly recommended). And I found my favorite gluten-free crackers. I've had a hard time battling my weight gain, which was very gradual over the past 7 or 8 years (after losing about 30 lbs walking a few miles a day for a few months). And I have a weakness for late-night snacking. Things like chips with super hot chipotle salsa and a blob of sour cream. I need to think more about what I'm putting in my body and try staying away from too many carbs, gluten and such. Plus, cutting back on dairy. Now, I've never met a cheese I didn't like, and that's a hard one to give up, honestly. Just a tiny wedge of delicious brie at breakfast can keep me content all the way till lunch. Sounds a little weird I know.
I'm going to try this healthier eating discipline and see where it takes me. Snacking on a handful of (unsalted) nuts. Or gluten free pretzles. Flax seed chips. Holding off on the cheese. Trying rice pasta whenever possible, or running steamed cauliflower through the food processor as a substitute for rice. Can I do this? And wave the smoldering sage around my house, once it's nice enough weather to open the windows? You bet.
And I just found this treat on a friend's Facebook page. Love it.
"This morning at 7:33 AM (Pacific), the Moon renewed itself in Aries... New Moons are always opportunities for setting intentions, for starting, for letting go of what was... Well, what’s going on is that it’s time to be getting on. Time to get on with what needs to be done. Time for all the ways you’ve thought about it to become reasons for how you are doing it. — Jon Waldrup, Sense of Vision Astrology"
Now, when's it supposed to warm up around here anyway?
As I fire up the keyboard here I'm realizing this post will likely be in two parts - some rambling on how I'm doing and then more about the post title. But hey, it's my blog and my rocks rolling around in my head so there we are.
My physical and emotional health both took a nosedive this month. But I think I can say that my cough is pretty much gone. Just some hacking in the morning and a little in the evening when I'm tired. After 3 weeks of this, you bet I'm sick of being sick!
Emotionally...well...overall I'm feeling good and putting the whole breakup thing behind me. Every day it's farther in the rear view mirror and more of a capsule of really great memories rather than anything to feel sad about.
Are he and I in contact, you may wonder? No, and we won't be. When he called that night to break up I was in shock. But somewhere at the end of our conversation I think we'd agreed to speak again in a few days. I was going to call him, yep, we agreed to that. But since then I got removed off Facebook...un-friended. Wow, the quirky world of Facebook. Whatever...OK. And couple of my friends called his breaking up over the phone cowardly. Perhaps...but it doesn't matter in the end. It's still over and wasn't my choice. I don't feel a need to label it. So no, I didn't call him.
Does he read this blog? He sure did at first. And loved it. Even shared it with some good friends of his on his trip to Australia last month. Perhaps it was my first post-breakup post that he didn't like so much. I'd bet money he's read it. If he has great; if not, great. It's my words and my feelings and isn't intended for anyone in particular. There are a fair amount who tune in here regularly (thank you!) and a few who stumble in here on accident (another thank you!).
If you haven't seen that first post-breakup post yet, it's a couple weeks back, "Misled and Broken." And it's not a bashfest on him. I don't operate that way...and as angry as I am (OK, was as we're moving past this) about having my head and heart fucked with, I can't be angry at HIM. Does that make any sense? That's a hard one to articulate.
There are a few last dangly things I want to share in here about how I'm feeling post-breakup. I did feel a little down yesterday as the 26th was supposed to be a special night for he and I. First, the plan was to go to a fundraiser/auction of some sort. I remember when he sent the email with the scoop...I thought WOW. He's already thinking ahead and wants me to do more stuff aways out! What can I say - that may not be a big deal for some, but that's HUGE for me. Makes me feel really happy, included and wanted. Loved.
But the plans for that night later changed into going out with a large group to celebrate his birthday - something he does every year. Sounds even better! In fact, if I remember correctly, he told me about this change of plans just a few days before we split. Now, how can you already be thinking about pulling away from someone but tell them hey, instead of going to the auction we're going out with a bunch of people for my (his) birthday? I don't get it. Maybe his decision to break up was a super spontaneous one. Or maybe the chat we had at my place the week prior was my warning shot over the bow. It doesn't matter now. I just felt a little wistful last night knowing we'd had plans to be out celebrating. Plans that he moved forward with and that no longer included me. And with these words I close the door and move on.
A couple weeks ago I was changing the sheets on my bed and stubbed my toe on something just under the dust cover. Oh yeah...some, um, props for the boudoir. Specifically, hand restraints. Am I blushing as I type this? What can I tell you - don't knock it till you try it, people. Tangent warning: I have never had any issues or hangups with sex. And with very, very few exceptions, I've never had what anyone would call 'bad' sex. Meaning, chemistry's usually not an issue. But props/accessories...well, I've never really ever felt they were necessary nor have any of the men in my life ever suggested using them - till now.
And now they were sitting in a heap under my bed. What to do?
I then realized I still had a book he'd loaned me: The Primal Blueprint, by Mark Sisson. It promotes the primal (or paleo) way of eating - meaning, to eat like our ancestors did in the hunter/gatherer years, the way our bodies are genetically programmed! Lots of lean meats, vegetables and fruits. Hold off on the grains, dairy and processed foods. G raved about this book and I'd browsed through it on a couple occasions in his kitchen when he was cooking us dinner. It really is a fascinating book. There are 9809824 diet and nutrition books and theories out there. What really works? I don't read a lot of diet books, but this one literally jumped out at me...the same way the Carbohydrate Addicts book did about 15 years ago. I liked it so much I recently purchased the accompanying cookbook. Yum.
And as I was rearranging things in my pantry I found a small, round tupperware container of flour. The first time I cooked for us I made my signature corn chowder with potatoes, fennel and bacon - using the bacon he'd made himself. I needed just a tablespoon of flour for the roux and was totally out. And I was in that mode where I'd done all the chopping and prep work and was not in a position to run to the store to get flour. When you need flour, you really can't substitute anything else! So, G to the rescue bringing some by at the last minute!
So we've got flour, a book, and bedroom hand restraints. I've had a few episodes after breakups where we each needed to return stuff we had at eachother's houses - clothes, makeup, shoes or other things. Never those 3 things, much less all at once! Random!! And normally it's done in person, meeting up. This time it just didn't feel right to do it that way.
So I thought hmm, what to do with these 3 things? I ended up putting them in a brown grocery bag and drove up to his place late one night and put it in the back entry area near his car. Some of my friends said I was too nice to do this - should have just tossed everything in the trash. But that's not how I roll. Again, I can't label behavior like that as "too nice" or whatever the hell it is. It was something I needed to do and it felt good. And there was nothing of any significance of mine that was still at his place. Just a toothbrush. And now closing another door with these words.
Those 3 random things DO have significance...they point to 3 areas that are so important to me in relationships, and things he and I had no issues with period. Cooking, food and sex...basic needs we all have as humans.
So now, I think about Passion. Passion for cooking a great meal, sharing it with friends, and then passion later that night (and morning) with your special someone. Doesn't get much better than that. When I look back on my short time with G, I am inspired (re-inspired) to cook and cherish my love of food. I was reminded that you don't need a huge, gourmet kitchen to cook incredible meals for your family and friends. G's post-divorce apartment has a great floor plan. The kitchen is, well, your basic apartment kitchen - perhaps a "2 butt" size - enough for two people to cook together, and very basic appliances. But the cooking that came out of that kitchen - for just the two of us or a group of 12 - phenomenal.
And, transitioning topics here and onto what was more the point of this post (see, I DO always come back after longass tangents), "passion by participation" popped into my head one day. I think it was a crappy and stressed day at work that did it. We're on the brink of a large launch in the next few weeks, and our team's pretty beat down and stressed. No matter how hard we plan, we discover stuff that still needs to be done last minute. And we panic, freak out...but get it done. But we need to do a better job of collaborating under stress. Rather, we scurry into our silos and shut eachother out. Given my job is to provide planning and scheduling among other things, our actual way of executing on tasks flies in the face of my basic principles. But, our group and what we're working on is new, so the opportunities are incredible and boundless. There's a lot of "we don't know what we don't know." Myself included. And to survive in this group, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
I am a pretty good multi-tasker, but when I get stressed and overwhelmed I spin out and clue out. I even had an astrologer once tell me, during a natal chart reading, that I'm prone to "clue-ing out" more than others. Darn you, Neptune! [Just kidding - I can't remember which planetary alignment is to blame, ha ha]. Combine that with a therapist about a decade ago who introduced me to the word "negating." Brushing things off, nullyfying...oh dear this could be a whole 'nother post down the road. Lots of issues there. I'm fighting back - HARD.
I DO get my clue-ing out-ness quirk and how it gets worse when I'm under stress. Throw in a little PMS (typically I have one bad day a month) and I'm pretty much an inarticulate, blubbery mess for 24 hours.
What do I do about it? How do I stretch myself to improve? I decided I'm going to try very, very hard, no matter what I'm doing, to focus only on that one particular thing and not let other buzz distract me. When my world at work is a sea of emailing flying around, interruptions and back to back meetings, that's pretty damn hard to do! But can I do it better? And if so, will that improve the quality of my work? Or perhaps my relationships? How about my Silpada jewelry business? Or my hockey?
Passion starts with participation. Showing up! Being present mentally and physically! Ignoring other noise and distractions! YES! THIS is what I'm going to focus on for the next week, month, year...however long it takes till it becomes a habit.
I've got a lot of work to do. And I'm ready.
"Well, at least you've still got your humor."
I've quipped this a few times and it came up again yesterday when I was taking a (very rare) long lunch with a co-worker. Our group moved to a different building a few weeks ago, and it's been a very nice change of scenery. And a much lighter and brighter building. Plus there's a Mexican restaurant very close by. We toasted to the end of a rough week. As much as a margarita was very, very tempting, I stuck with plain iced tea. Going back to work after having a drink makes me incredibly bloated and sleepy. Probably not a good mode to be in when you need to crank out a few reports.
I made up for it when I met a couple great friends for happy hour that evening.
Anyway, I think I do have a good knack for eeking out humor, no matter how shitty the situtation is. But it definitely can take a little time to surface.
Guys, if you're going to dump me, don't do it on the brink of Daylight Savings Time. Howzat? Holy crap I have been through the emotional and physical wringer. I've been sick since late February-ish. And I still can't quite shake this cough. My lung power's thrashed. It really shows when I play hockey and it's cut into my gym time. I've got some 5Ks to train for this year, people!
DST's only an hour jump forward, but it might as well be 8. UGH. I'm a terrible morning person and it really takes a good week or two for me to adjust. Combine that with my health and emotions very out of wack and I've been sleeping. A lot. Call it cliche, but sleep IS the best medicine. I've taken a couple sick days from work (very, very rare for me) and after letting people know I'll be out I would go back to bed and sleep. Until 1pm or so.
And I was just minutes "post-dumped" when the earthquake and tsunami in Japan popped onto the news. Holy moly, the quake's now upgraded to a 9.0. I hope I never, ever have to experience the horror. I was extremely worried about my parents who were in Hawaii and had to evacuate that Thursday evening. And sleep in their car on higher ground near a school. My folks have had some sort of drama nearly every year they've gone to Hawaii on vacation. Their cat died one year. We had flooding here at home another year and were worried their house would be damaged. Last year it was the tsunami evacuations following the earthquake in Chile. This year...well my Mom THOUGHT that finding a mouse in their condo kitchen on their first night was going to be the drama this year. Turns out it sure wasn't.
So...recombobulating. The word makes a lot of sense - and makes me giggle too. I wrote it down randomly a few nights ago on a piece of paper here and I thought, yep, that's what I'm going to do - and write about this week.
This blog's been a real mishmash of topics. Hence why I almost called it Random Crap when I was first getting it underway. I took a risk blogging about my dating episode earlier this year, for I'd kindasorta made a mini sort of vow to myself that I wouldn't ever blog on my dating life. Do I regret doing so? Nope. It was a very fun and powerful (and brief turns out) interlude in my life and now it's documented.
How am I recombobulating? Well, how delicious that we're on the brink of Spring. The Vernal Equinox is tomorrow and THAT'S new beginnings and changes. For real and huge. So the tick-tock of time marching forward resonates deep in me and will naturally realign and readjust my being and soul.
I'm also thinking about what I want to write on and focus on (outside of work) in these upcoming months. I've got a very beautiful and growing sterling silver jewelry inventory given my Silpada side business. Business itself has been a tad slow, but my team members say that January and February typically are slow. Gotta love a side job where you can WEAR your inventory with passion. If I could sell this jewelry full-time and make a good living I'd do it in a heartbeat. I've been feeling tiny tugs and pulls inside me that my job - while I'm grateful to HAVE one - isn't feeding my soul. I have cravings for more creative work and things fashion/beauty focused. And writing. I've been doing - loosely - the same type of work professionally for over a decade. I'm pretty good at it and continually keep my mind open to learn, but I feel it's time for a career change. But that's going to require a lot more brainstorming, and likely finding a good coach/mentor.
I'm also going to blow the dust off my slow cooker and do some Cuban style chicken tonight. Then tomorrow whip up a batch of bolognese sauce - in the slow cooker - and try it with polenta. I have one of the Williams-Sonoma Slow Cooker recipe books and everything looks incredible.
So stay tuned for more. More of what I don't know. But that's the fun of blogging...while I recombobulate.
...and let's throw in Fucking Mad while we're at it. How. How in the possible hell can things just turn on a dime, shut off and shut down?
I got dumped on Thursday night. Yeesh, there's no worse feeling out there eh? Makes me recoil and hunch over in my chair here as I type. And I'm ANGRY. Angry that he fucked with my head and dare I say my heart too.
I drank the Koolaid, man. I believed. I believed everything he did and said a million percent. This is different, I told myself. This is special. Hell, I even went out on a limb here to blog about this, this 'burgeoning relationship' to use his words.
I just don't get it. The time together, the discoveries, generosity, listening, laughing, caring, calling, texting, his incredible cooking, the massages, the mind-blowing sex, the gifts, 'this song reminds me of you' and...introducing me to his friends - his family, really. Friends I really enjoyed meeting and well, I felt honored to be included in his special circle. Which is now cruelly yanked away. Folks, this is the guy who even kindasorta made me change my mind about Valentines Day - how it isn't so meh after all. When you get a very thoughtful, sexy gift for V-Day - and get it in January because he's going to be out of the country on the actual day - well, jeebus, how can you not get swept up in THAT??
My inboxes blew up. Home email. Facebook email. My voicemail...my texts...good gawd this man blanketed me - joyously - with wonderful musings, thoughts, just random stuff. Not overwhelming at all. Just a great dose of hey, I'm thinking about you and on and on.
He even read this Blog. THAT'S a huge compliment to me. Fivenineteen's been my outlet, baby and solace here for the past year and a half. I was so flattered that he actually found it - I'd mentioned it on our first date - and on our second date shared what he'd read. "I knew I liked you...but now I adore you."
And the real kicker. Making plans in advance. When he and I first met, he would always ask me out again while we were together. And gawd I purred. And when he would ask me to do things a few weeks out - after just knowing him a few weeks - well, I felt beyond flattered. Because in my book that implies there will be not only that to look forward to, but a whole lot of great times in between. "So, when can I see you again?" Strum my strings.
I knew we were in a sort of honeymoon bubble that would pop at some point. That's normal and all. And I'd only known him since early January really...and then he was in Australia two weeks and then we were each sick around the same time after that - yuck. Holy fuck, I got more emails from him when he was in Australia than I did the past few days. "I miss you" "I can't wait to see you". Musings on what he's doing there, wondering if I like to travel and what I'd think of xyz...I picked him up from the airport and after incredible Welcome Back sex, we snuggled together and he whispered, "now I really feel like I'm home."
Am I some dumbshit to actually BELIEVE all these things he's said and done? About cry at the gorgeous opal bracelet he bought me? Gaze into his eyes and feel something deep that stirs me to my core?
I opened my heart wide.
I knew there were things he was struggling with too. Ugly echoes and legacies of his past...his childhood. His marriage. This time of year is especially shitty as it's the anniversary of two deaths - his father's and his marriage. I get that - as best I can. We're not 20 and we've been around the block. We've all got baggage. And we hopefully are self-aware and deal. He even confided about some addictions he's working through, actively. Things that maybe raised my eyebrows but I didn't run screaming out the door. Things that aren't illegal by any means. OK, OK...I'm actually honored he would open up about that. Hell, I opened up to him about things that I'm not proud of - things that I haven't even shared with my closest girlfriends.
So after this past weekend...he went dark. Was this the honeymoon bubble bursting? I didn't initially get overly concerned...I mean hey, a little space is OK - after all we'd spent a good chunk of the weekend together. And I was still craving a little more sleep as I'm at the tail end of this cough.
By Thursday I was all nope - this is bullshit. I called him and he called back a little later. We've never gone more than a day with zero contact.
"I don't want to date you. I don't feel the spark and chemistry anymore."
I about dropped the phone. He sounded like he was reading fucking cue cards. And you know what? I call BULLSHIT. I don't believe him. OK, I'm not all that - I know this, people - but mind-blowing chemistry like what he and I have/had doesn't just plop over to black like that. G, there are people out there LIKE ME who GIVE A SHIT and BELIEVE IN YOU. There are two people in this - how can you just pull the escape artist here and say nope, sorry, I'm done? Do you honestly expect me to be oh OK, no worries, no problem?? I don't believe it. And that's the first time I've ever doubted anything he's ever said to me.
But I kinda went numb. Mere minutes later I heard about the huge earthquake in Japan and the tsunami warnings. Oh no, here we go again...my folks are on vacay in Hawaii and - for the 2nd year in a row - have had to evacuate. Amazingly I was able to reach my Dad on his cell and hear how they were doing. Thank God they are safe.
I woke up Friday morning thinking maybe it was all a bad dream. Then my stomach went *thud* and I knew it wasn't obviously.
I went so numb I didn't realize I was speeding to work, doing 50 in a 35 zone. Ugh. Flashing motorcycle lights. A $195 ticket? OK, whatever, Officer. Seriously. I just shrugged and thought...whatever.
So yeah, there's anger. Moreso than sadness. I have no freaking clue why I picked a picture of Yosemite for this week; guess it just looks pretty and calming - probably what I could use right now.
Is this truly the end of the story? I guess only time will tell; he and I agreed I'd call him in a few days or so. Honestly I'm not even sure that's worth it or if I'm even going to. He's made his point clear, as crappily as it was delivered. Sorry, but when you set the bar high like he did, well, you expect more. Even with the Exit. And nope, I don't believe what he said one iota.
Sorry.
